March 17th Tuesday.

Got up again and took Jesse to school. Nipped in the cafe for 10 minutes, but didn't feel like staying. My dad and my son are on my mind today. Just like any other day, but today it feels heavy. My dad was my best friend. I miss him so much, it hurts my heart. 55 was no age to die. My son, my first born baby, gone at the age of 21. I feel so low in life without them. Its hard getting through each day. I long to see them again. I see photos of them everyday and it just makes me sad. I know they wouldnt want me living like this, but I just dont know how to live without them. I feel lost in life, I dont fit in anymore. I dont know who I am anymore. My faith in God is strong, but I have to ask, why my dad and son? Felt like having alcohol yesterday, I was craving it. Over 4 years sober and I still have days where I crave alcohol. I didn't give in, dont worry. Im still sober. Jensen treated us all to a take away last night, he said because he was working on Mother's Day, bless his heart. He knows im always broke. I need a job, but my mental health is too bad at the moment. Needed go the chemist to collect my medication, but anxiety got the better of me so I just came straight home after the school run. Im really struggling with being alive. The amount of times I think about stepping into oncoming traffic is ridiculous. I dont want to die, I just want the pain to go. Im hurting inside and its ruining my life. Grief is killing me. I know I won't live to an old age, and to be honest, I dont want to. Am I going to be depressed and lonely forever, I ask myself? Only i can change the way I think, but im struggling. My dad and son are on my mind every hour of every day. Im not living, im surviving. Its a cruel world we live in and ive had all I can take. I just want to end my suffering, because thats what it is, im suffering in silence. I know i blog about it, but no one else knows the depths of my depression and grief. Only you who reads my blogs knows. The sun is shining, but my world is dark. Feel like a dark cloud follows me wherever I go.