March 13th Friday.

I know its Friday, but let's talk about Sundays. My dad died on a Sunday and so did my son. I hate Sundays. I mean, I hate everyday, but Sundays are worse. I really need start going back to church on a Sunday. Not been for a few months. I choose sleep over going church which is really bad, but im always so tired. Jesse has gone to school and we've done a full week. Feel a bit proud of that, its not a big deal to some, but it is to me. I struggle to find the will to live in the morning and Jesse usually has a day or two off every week, but this week ive forced myself to get up and take him. Two more weeks to go and then hes off for two weeks. Going try to not let him have any more time off. His attendance is bad so we need to build his percentage back up. Think hes on 77% which is bad, but im trying. That's all I can do, try my best. Can't wait for my lie in tomorrow. Hate the weekends, love a lie in, but all I can think is that my son left on a Saturday and killed himself at 5:30am Sunday morning. My dad died 1:38pm on a Sunday. I absolutely hate the weekends. Weekdays arent any easier either. How am I feeling today? Deflated. My mum said we all need some sort of therapy because non of us are dealing with Jay-Dees death. She said ive still not dealt with my dad's death and shes right. It'll be 6 years in November for my dad and I replay his death everyday in my head. I think about my sons death everyday. Living for me is torture. The pain I feel inside is killing me. Didn't go the cafe today because I just couldnt be bothered to make conversations and wear my smile. It drains you. One of my friends rang me not long ago for a chat, didn't really want to chat, but she needed my opinion on something shes going through, so I spoke to her for half an hour. Kind of took my mind off my life for a little bit. Ive ironed Jensen a shirt for work he left me on the work top with a message asking me if id iron it. Of course I'd iron it, id do anything for my boys. They are my absolute world. My reasons to live. Mothers day this Sunday, not the same when one of your kids lives in heaven. Not looking forward to it. Im freezing today, the sun is shining, but its cold. Jesse finishes early on a Friday, can't wait see his little face. Keeps me going. Told my mum yesterday when I was crying that id be dead if it wasn't for my boys needing me and she said i know. Im just heartbroken. I honestly dont know how you come back from all the trauma ive been through. Living shouldn't be this hard. PTSD is real and im trying to live with it. EUPD, PTSD and chronic depression is what ive been diagnosed with over the past few years. Honestly, dont know how im still alive. Everyday i wake up is a bittersweet blessing. Grateful i get to see my boys another day, but gutted I didn't die in my sleep. Desperately want to see my father and son again. Everyday i live, is a day closer to my death.