March 29th Sunday.

My son stepped off the 17th floor of a multistory car park in Liverpool at 5:30am Sunday morning. Ill never ever understand why he decided to take his own life. It literally kills me everyday. What must of been going through his head that morning. I dont think I can do this life anymore. The seasons are passing me by and im clueless to how im getting through them. Feel like life is passing me by and im stuck in one place. Grief, im stuck in grief. 1:38pm Sunday afternoon, my dad took his last breath as I held his hands. He saw me take my first breath and I watched him take his last. An image that haunts me daily. Cancer stole my father from me. Not going lie, im really struggling with life. Honestly, I dont want to be here anymore. I can't deal with losing my father and son. Im broken. Im fighting for a life that I dont even want anymore. My life is like groundhog day. I wake up, I try not to kill myself and I go to bed and do it all over again the next day. Im not living, im surviving. Im dead inside. I dont find any enjoyment in being alive. Im only alive for my children and thats sad. I can't keep living like this. Im so fed up. My heart aches for my father and son. Im trying my best to live, but im struggling. What must of been going through my sons head early hours that Sunday morning? I could cry. My dad never wanted to die in hospital, but thats where he died. I tried to take him home, but they said I wouldnt of been able to cope on my own. I tried to be a living donor and give dad half my liver when he was poorly, but they said he wouldnt survive the surgery. I tried everything I could think of to prolong his life, but failed miserably. I really tried to save him and it kills me. My last text I sent Jay-Dee said stay safe and I love you and he still went and killed himself. When that police man knocked on my door that Sunday morning, I remember saying have I done something wrong? It never came into my head that he was there to tell me my child was dead. I remember my hands trembling as I tried to find Damians number in my phone. Ill never forget telling Damian that his son was dead. He never usually answers the phone straight away, but that phone call he answered after 1 or 2 rings. I remember messaging Jay-Dees boss to tell him he wouldnt be in work as he'd passed away. My heart is broken. This is me forever isn't it? Heartbroken. I will never get over the death of my father and son. How am I meant to live this life? Im so fucking lost in life. I died too. Once when my father died and all over again when my son died.