March 16th Monday.

So glad Mother's Day is over and done with. Yesterday was a hard day for me. Felt like the day went on forever. Tried to quit my vape, but ended up walking the shop last night for a vape. I can't do it. I tried. Ill try again when my vape runs out. Didn't go for a run this morning, im too fat to run, I need to lose some weight first! Been Asda to do some shopping, got healthy foods like rice, pasta, chicken and ground minced beef. Stuff to make healthy meals with. Cutting my chocolate out, well im going try anyway haha. Going see my friends tonight, going force myself to go because I know it will do me good. Taken Jasper the doctors this morning, they've increased his antidepressants, so we'll have see if they improve his mental health. His dad said he needs a better sleeping pattern, but I go bed at 9pm, I sleep through (thanks to Olanzopine), but im still depressed.. sleep doesnt fix depression. The seasons are changing and I feel stuck grieving. Im not appreciating life and its so sad. I should be grateful to be alive, but im not. Im tired all the time and sleep isn't fixing it. Im scared about my upcoming holiday in July, ive got anxiety about going on my own with just Jasper and Jesse. I booked it without even thinking of my mental health. I thought id be better come July, but its not looking like I will be. I know the holiday will do me good, but god im so nervous. Got one more payment to make next month and then ive paid for the holiday. Ive left myself short each month financially paying for this holiday, it will be all worth it to see my boys happy in the sunshine. I know it will do us all good. Im fed up of feeling like shit everyday. Grieving is horrible, adding depression into the mix is even worse. Im booked onto a first aid course tomorrow morning. A few of my friends are booked on too, so it'll be nice do something together and learn a new skill. Ive had my friend's messaging me over the past week to see if im ok because ive barely been going the cafe. Ive told them my mental health is a mess. They're so supportive. Ive got 2 sets of friends. Some I see in the morning and some I see in the evening. Its 12:34pm and im sat writing this blog contemplating a nap. I try to sleep through the day some times, but I can't switch off so no point in me even trying. Ive done a wash and dried it, done my dishes. I wish I had a dish washer, but there's literally no where to put one in my kitchen. Just going wait for Jesse to finish school and come home. Ill get him changed then Jasper will look after him whilst I nip my friends for a few hours. That's my day.