March 18th Wednesday.

Im sat crying, its 10:24am and im already crying thinking about my son. Last night I dreamt about ringing my dad and then it hit me that he was already dead. Such a strange dream, felt so real. I can't do this anymore, im so close to committing suicide. Im so fed up of being upset. Im not coping with losing my dad and son. Im living a nightmare that never ends. I say the same thing everyday, every single fucking day. Im struggling with living. I dont want this life ive been given. I just want to put myself out of the misery im living. You wouldnt let an animal suffer the way I am. Why can't I deal with death? What is wrong with me? Ive been the cafe see my friends, wasn't going stay, but I made myself socialise. Went Asda did some shopping and my friend dropped me off at home and then boom, the tears are falling. Im sat looking at my sons urn on the fire. My son and my dad are both in wooden boxes. Its killing me. Im so broken, I dont think i can be fixed. No amount of medication can cure me. You can't mend a broken heart. Ill die with a broken heart. I honestly wish I was dead. Can't kill myself though, can I? My boys would be destroyed. They wouldnt cope and I dont want them feeling like I do after losing a parent. The pain I feel inside is horrendous. Its tearing me apart. Why would my child leave me? I was already so depressed after losing my dad, why would my son go and kill himself? Could I of done more to save him? Was i that wrapped up in my own depression that I didn't notice he was depressed? I fucking hate myself. I hate everything about me. I look in the mirror and I dont recognise myself anymore. I honestly dont know who I am. Im so lost in life. I just want to end it all.