March 4th Wednesday.

My dad and son are on my mind today, just like any other day, but it feels heavy today. Grief is killing me. I know it will be like this forever until I see them both again, but my heart hurts. I think to myself, this can't be real, but it is and ive got to live with this grief. I try to feel positive, but some days are harder than others. I was speaking to my sister earlier and she was saying that shes having a few bad days mentally, I said welcome to my world. I said we've been through so much over the past few years, people dont understand the impact its had on our mental health. Jay-Dee killed himself on my sisters birthday and his nans birthday (Damians mum). June 2nd. I was saying to my friend's this morning that it'll be 2 years in June and I dont understand how im still here. My friends partner died a year ago it will be in a few weeks. We were talking about how fast time has gone. We're all going through stuff we dont talk about enough. Im open to everyone I speak to, im not afraid to say im in a bad place mentally. I write this blog everyday in the hope that it helps someone reading it, know they're not alone. My friends all know my mental health is bad, i find it better to be open and honest instead of bottling it all up and killing myself. Self-care to me is not committing suicide. 6 years this November for my dad and it still feels like yesterday. Forever 55 and forever 21. My angels in the sky. I know they're watching over me, I just hope they know how hard life is without them both. Losing one person you love is hard, but to lose two is torture. Roll on July 1st when I go on holiday. I really need a break from reality before I kill myself. I say it over and over, but if I didn't have my boys id be long gone. I was sitting on my bed this morning when my alarm went off and I had visions of me lying in the bath with my wrists cut open. That's how my brain works. Its trying to kill me and im fighting for a life I dont even want. Intrusive thoughts have become part of my life, I just have to fight them and stay strong. The strength I get from my boys is what keeps me going, ive always said it. Without them, im not me. I said to my sister, I couldn't take another death. I honestly couldnt take another person I love dying, it would kill me off. Writing this blog keeps me sane, I get everything out of my system. Does it make me feel better? Nope, but I write it anyway. You're probably sick of hearing me say 'im tired', but I really am. Im emotionally and mentally drained. There's no cure for how I feel, ive just got to keep going. The days turn into night and we do it all over again the next day. Its tiring. Im tired of being alive. I dont want to be here, but I have no choice. Every night I climb into bed in the hopes i dont wake up, but God has a plan for me and he keeps waking me up. Not sure what the plan is, but im hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Some days I can see the light, and then days like today, its dim. The sun is shining, but my world is dark.