March 6th Friday.

Jasper broke his heart last night and i mean really broke his heart. Losing Jay-Dee has destroyed my baby, its destroyed us all. Jasper said he feels like a failure, not going college or having a job. I said dont you dare worry about stuff like that. I said youre 17, there's plenty of time in your life to work or study, let's just get you better first. I gave him the biggest hug and I told him how much I love him. Jesse knew how upset Jasper was and he said 'I dont want another dead brother', my heart broke all over again. I told Jasper i know exactly how it feels and its good to cry and let it all out. Im so heartbroken for my boys because they're really struggling. Watching one of my children break their heart like Jasper did last night, broke me. I said please dont do anything to harm yourself because I couldnt bare to lose another child. Im heartbroken for my boys. We're all fighting battles we dont talk about and its torture. Seeing my boy heartbroken last night made feel so sad inside. I could of cried my eyes out, but I had to stay strong for my boys. They can't see their mother fall apart when they need me. Everything ive been through, sometimes I forget that they've been through it too. My heart is broken for my children. Going wait for Jasper to wake up and have a good talk to him. I told him last night, if he was to kill himself it would be the end of me. I can't take anymore death. I can not lose another child. I reassured him last night how much I love him. I tell my boys everyday that I love them. When they leave the house, I say love you because anything can happen any day. You never know when its your final day. Losing my dad and Jay-Dee changed my outlook on life. I realised how precious time is and how quickly it can all be gone. I wish I could take my boys pain away, but I can't so ive just got to be there for them. I love them so much, my heart hurts for them. I'd do anything to see my dad and son again, absolutely anything. My heart is heavy today. Today i am sad. I know exactly how my boys feel, how am I meant help them when im so depressed myself. All I can do is be there for them and tell them how much I love them.

Just broke my heart on the phone to my mum, we're all going through so much. Its killing us. I need to be strong for my boys and stop crying.