March 28th Saturday.

Ive watched Married At First Sight for years, Australian and UK. One of the experts on the show, Mel Shilling died a few days ago aged 54 and its really impacted on me. My dad died age 55 and it brought everything back to the surface. I know first hand how her family must be feeling. Its made me feel so sad the past few days that shes passed away. She was a lovely woman and its so sad. Damian sending me photos of Jay-Dee ive never seen before of him at work, that made my heart ache all over again. I can't tell you how much I miss my dad and son. I know I say it everyday and youre probably sick of reading it, but honestly, im absolutely heartbroken. 55 and 21 are no age to die. My son was a month away from completing his bricklaying apprenticeship. He had his whole life ahead of him. I will never ever understand why he killed himself and that kills me inside. Cancer stole my dad from me. I watched his cancer, esophageal cancer, starve him to death over 19 months. The heartache I feel inside is overwhelming. I can't deal with death, yet im not afraid to die.. I can't see me ever getting better, I think this sad person is just who I am now. I dreamt last night that I went on  holiday and forgot my clothes, im so anxious about my upcoming holiday. Everything plays on my mind so much. Anxiety is horrible. Grief is horrendous and depression is killing me. Having all 3 is a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. I always think, what if when we die, we wake up. Makes you think doesnt it? Yesterday I showered and washed my hair. Then I blow dried it and straightened it. Not for any reason, just wanted to feel a bit better in myself. Its a big deal getting a shower and washing my hair because i can go days/weeks without doing it. Depression stops me from doing alot of things. Some days it takes all I have to not kill myself, so showering is at the bottom of the list of things to do. Keeping myself alive is my priority. Im sad today. Im sad everyday and to be honest, im fucking sick of it. Honestly wish I could just end it all and have done with.