March 5th Thursday.

Some times I forget that im going through the Menopause, ive been going through it nearly 5 years now, since I had surgery to remove my cancer.  The took all my womb, ovaries, tubes, the lot, plus 19 pelvic lymph nodes. Its probably another reason why i am the way I am, mentally speaking. Ive had a shit time the last few years. Well, 5 and a half years, since my dad died. Everything went downhill the day he passed away. Especially my mental health. Ive been through so much, yet im still here fighting for my life. A life I dont want. I feel a bit better today. I brought my mum a pop up Mother's Day card, so ive been the post office to get a stamp and send it. I thought Mother's Day was this Sunday, but I was told its a week on Sunday haha. Oh well at least mum will get it on time. Ive put pork steaks in the slow cooker to have for tea with chips gravy and veg. Can't wait. Im so tired today, tried to lie on the settee and have an hour, but couldnt switch off so im drinking an energy drink to keep me awake. Ive ordered some Slim Fast ready made shakes that will be here tomorrow, so im going give them ago. Its the chocolate I need cut out. I dont eat it as much as I was now im off the weed so thats good, but im still not losing weight. I made Nandos chicken and rice last night for tea, it was so nice. The night before I made pesto chicken with rice. Trying to cook more healthy. So glad im feeling a bit better today. Miss my dad and son so much, but im trying my best to live. Tomorrow could be another shit day, so ive got to make the most of my "better days". Im meeting Natalie next week, dont ask! She's very persistent ill give her that. Told her over and over that ill push her away because im fucked in the head, but she doesnt give up. I do like her, shes definitely my cup of tea, I just find it hard to let someone in. Ive been hurt that much in past relationships that I struggle to open up. She's telling me she loves me and im not there yet. It will be 10 weeks on Sunday since we started talking. She told me the other day that her sister put her on a dating site and I went dead jealous, so I know ive got feelings for her. She's deleted the dating site now she said. Im hard work, i know that, but I am trying. Im not finding life easy, its hard work wanting be alive. I struggle everyday, but she won't give up on me. Some times I just think life is easier being single. I like it just being me and my boys. Ive got too comfortable being on my own and im finding it hard to let someone in. Anyway, im feeling better and thats the main thing.