Cancer, Depression and Me.

Yesterday my brother came to stay for the night, hes always has so much to talk about, and I listen, I smile and I talk with him, but the whole time I sit there and I could cry. I put on this brave face with a fake smile, but im drowning in grief. I keep asking myself, what can I do to deal with the loss of my son, and theres nothing I can do except ride it out. Im grieving and I just need to grieve. How can I get better mentally? I mean, what am I meant to do? I dont know, do you? Ive been to the shops today and then taken my dog for a walk with Jesse. First time ive left the house all week. 2 more days and the kids start back school. Back to normality, well as normal as things can be.. I see my psychiatrist in 4 days, im going to ask her for more grief counselling as I think I need it. I had counselling with Dove Bereavement after the death of my father and they even extended the sessions because I needed it. It helped alot and I took away so much from the sessions, I just feel like ...

You know, its 14:51pm and I just said to myself, thank god ive made it through another day. I say it most nights when I get into bed. Will it be like this forever? I wake up in the morning, I struggle to get through the day and then I go back to bed. Why is life so hard? I was going say 'why am I so fucking depressed' but then I already know why.. Im plagued by death. Ive lost alot of people in 4 years and one of them being my son. God life is so hard!! Im so tired, mentally tired. Im drained, as a person. Theres nothing left inside of me. My sister ivited me to hers for Christmas dinner and I replied saying 'what if im not here by Christmas?'. Im literally taking my life day by day, step by step. As for Christmas, I dont even want to celebrate it. How can I after losing my child? I dont want to decorate the house or even buy presents. I just want to fucking die already! Ive got no choice but to show up everyday. Ive got no choice but to make it through each day. My boy...

I took Jay-Dees pile of clean clothes to his room today and it broke me. I sat on his bed and cried. Why would he leave me behind?  After I'd had my daily cry, I decided to start getting my house in order, so I cleaned the living room. It's only one room but I had some energy from somewhere. I'm a cluttery person, I've realised, and I'm very laid back. I'm not one of these people that clean everyday, I'm too depressed for that shit. Jay-Dees room needs cleaning but I can't bring myself to move any of his things, it kills me being in his room even for a few minutes.  I'm ready now for the schools to open back up so I can get back to some sort of normality. Only another 5 days to go. I miss seeing my friends at school, we have a cafe at our school, so we all meet up in the morning for a coffee and a chat. It does me good. I bet there's loads of people like me who are severely depressed and feel isolated when you don't leave the house. That'...

So my son Jensen has landed safe in Colombia. He'll be turning 21 on Friday but he wont be here to celebrate so we're all going out for a birthday meal when hes back home. My eldest 2 boys are Irish Twins, they were born 11 months apart, so every year for 30 days Jensen is the same age as Jay-Dee. Jay-Dee was born September 30th and the following August 30th, I had Jensen. It was like having twins when they were both babies. Next month my first born should of been celebrating his 22nd birthday but hes no longer here. I still plan on buying him a cake and cards. Cleaned my kitchen today, dont know where my energy came from to be honest. I keep thinking of starting to drive when Jesse goes back school but ive got anxiety about doing the lessons. Im going push myself to do it because I know in the long run it will be better if I drove. Having anxiety, depression and everything else ive been diagnosed with is hard work. one minute I can be ok and the next I can be suicidal. Im doin...

Its hard to believe we're nearly at the end of August. Time seems to be passing me by. I cried today but thats nothing new, I cry everyday. Ive been to the cinema this evening with my son Jasper. It was nice to have some quality time with him as ive usually got Jesse with me. We watched Coraline in 3D. I love Tim Burton movies so I was excited to watch it in 3D. I felt sick on the way there, it was my anxiety but I pushed through and enjoyed my alone time with Jasper. I saw a TikTok that said 'staying alive incase something good happens' and thats what im doing. Staying alive because things have got to get better havent they? Ive been through so much in the past 4 years, from losing my 55 year old father to cancer, then 6 months after his death, I had cancer. Ive lost a few close family friends too and then to top it all off, my son dies. Its been alot to deal with but through it all, I fight to stay alive. When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up isnt it? Ive got to be...

3 months today since my first born son passed away. I still relive the day that policeman told me my son was dead. The phone call I made to Damian with my hands trembling, having to tell him his son was dead. Why did it have to be my child that passed away. It kills me inside everyday. I long to see his face, I pray that he visits me in my dreams but as of yet he hasnt. My son Jensen had a visitation from Jay-Dee, he said in his dream he asked him why he did it and they both just cried. Sundays are so hard, my dad passed away on a Sunday and so did my son. I dont really have much to say today, im sad. Ive got up made breakfast for my 2 youngest sons Jasper and Jesse, ive done some washing and the whole time I feel dead inside. I get my strength from my children, they keep me going on my bad days. Thankful that I have my children because id be dead without them. Its only dinner time and I already want to climb back into my bed and sleep. Think im going find a movie on the firestick and ...

Got up this morning and got myself dressed ready to go my mums, then she cancelled on me saying shes tired. Could of really done with the company but oh well. Seen as I was already dressed, I took my dog for a walk and then it rained on me.. Im back home now and back in my pjs. Ive found a film on the firestick and thats me for the day. Its one of Jay-Dees best friends birthdays today and ive seen on facebook that theyre going Creamfields. It broke my heart because I know my son would of been going with them. My heart breaks everyday. Im heartbroken everyday I wake up and my child is no longer here. How am I feeling? Im so misserable, ive got no life inside me and im sad. Everyday I wake up, is a day closer to my death and that gives me something to look forward to. I dont want to live till an old age, I dont want be in a care home with someone wiping my bum. No thank you. I dont want to die today because id leave my other children behind, but also, I do want to die because I get to se...

I've got my brother coming today he's going stay overnight. He sleeps some times to keep me company. The bond that myself, my brother and sister have is amazing. They've both been so supportive since my sons death. I'd be lost without them both. My brother will do all the talking when he's here, I'll probably laugh at his jokes but deep down inside I'm sad and drained. The past few days I've felt a bit better than I have done but I know it won't last, and there'll be days where I'm suicidal.  I just need to remind myself that not everyday I'm going to feel that low, and as long as I keep reminding myself this, I'll get through them dark day. But today, I'm doing ok. My son is always on my mind, all throughout the day and he always will be. Life is never going to be the same for me and I need to try and live a life without my child. How? I don't know but I'm trying my best and that's all I can do.

Ive gotten out of the house today, ive been to visit my sister. We talked and I cried. Is this how life is going to be? Crying everyday! Im back home now and I feel ok. Im sad, but im better than I was a few days ago. I could of so easily of killed myself a few days ago and look at me today. Still hanging on by a thread but im not suicidal today. Honestly depression will be the death of me I just know it. I got my hair done today, if youd of seen the state of it. It was desperate. Ive really let myself go. I dont know how im going to get through this tragedy, but I know im a fighter that just refuses to die! Its days like today that im not suicidal, keep me fighting on the days that I do want to die. I have to tell myself over and over that im going to be ok, but deep down I think im lost forever. It took me 3 and a half years to start learning to live with my fathers death. Now my son is dead, im not sure how you deal with losing a child. I feel like ive lost my mind. I still silently...

I sought help yesterday, I rang The Sutherland Centre and broke my heart. I now have an appointment with my psychiatrist in 2 weeks time and thats an emergency appointment. I feel a bit better today, ive not cried yet. Ive taken my dog for a walk and put a load of washing in ready to peg outside whilst the sun is shinning. I was going to go my sisters but my stomach still isnt right. I just feel run down. Ill be glad for Jesse to go back school so we can get back to some sort of normality. I think the holidays are hard as it is without adding grief into the equation. I want to take my boys out for tea but if im honest, I literally dont have any energy. I feel drained all the time. I know its understandable and I need time to grieve but my kids are missing out because of my depression. I cant believe im back to the dark place I was fighting so hard to get out of. Ill get through this, im just not sure how.

I had every intention of taking Jesse Hanley today to buy him new school shoes but I'm not very well. My stomach is killing me. I've spent the morning in pain with my stomach and tears flowing from my eyes. Everyday I cry. I'm thinking of ringing The Sutherland Centre to speak to someone about my suicidal thoughts. The Sutherland Center is who I'm under with my psychiatrist.  I missed my last appointment because my son had just died and I'm waiting for another appointment come through the post. I just need to speak to someone before it's too late. I'm worried for myself. A couple of days ago I received through the post the coroners report that will be read out next month in Liverpool.  I feel like it's triggered my low mood. Having to read about how my son has died killed me inside. It gives details about how he died and what injuries he had from the fall or jump. It gives me the address of where he died and I have to stop myself from Googling it because...

I planned on going church today but my body just wouldnt wake up. When I wake up I just lie in bed not wanting to get up. I literally have to force myself to get out of bed. Its 11 weeks today since my son died. He was only 21 and its killing me inside. Ive got no energy at all, my body is tired of fighting to stay alive. Everyday is a battle. People dont realise how mentally unwell I am. My mum asks me everyday if im ok.. of course im not ok, my son has died! I reply to her messages saying 'im ok', when in reality, im falling apart silently. Its only you who reads my blogs, you know how depressed I really am. Maybe if my family took the time to read my blogs, then theyd know im far from ok. I honestly dont know how im going to get better. I dont know what I can do to improve my mental health. I feel like im lost. I dont know who Ann-louise is anymore. The day my son died, I died too. I need somebody to tell me im going to be ok. I need to get better, but how? You know, ive not...

I was meant to be visiting my mum today but I dont feel well. Ive not felt right all week, im so tired. My body feels drained and ive done nothing all week. Ive not left the house in days. I just want to sleep. Grief is really taking its toll on my body. God im so sad inside, I dont know how im ever going to feel better, mentally speaking. My mind and body are so tired. The tiredness that sleeping isnt fixing. I honestly just wish id just die already. I imagine death as being something peaceful. You just fall asleep forever. Im not scared to die, im scared of leaving my kids behind, but I have a child on the other side so it makes you think differently. I want to see my son again but I dont want to leave my other children. I just want to scream at life. Fuck you life!! I fucking hate my life!!

I've done nothing again except feel sad. I'll be glad get out of the house tomorrow. I'm visiting my mum with my sister and her kids. Do I want to leave the house? Absolutely not. I just want to lie in bed but I can't. I just want to get in bed, put my head under the covers and stay there. I don't want to participate in life. Has life forgotten that my son has just passed away. Its nearly 11 weeks since I lost my son and the pain is unbearable. It's a task to just get out of bed. Honestly.  My depression is at an all time low, I feel dreadful everyday. I was thinking earlier about how fast the days are going and how it will be Christmas soon and it makes me feel even worse. I don't want to put decorations up and buy presents. I literally don't even want to be alive. How could I celebrate anything since my son has died? I don't want to get old. I feel like I've given up on life. It's scary you know. It's scary how much I've given up on...

Yesterday I told myself I'd leave the house today, but a wave of sadness hit me. I've done less than nothing. I've just sat and done nothing except for feeling sad. I also blogged Yesterday about quitting vaping, yet I went out last night and brought one. Oh well, the thought was there I guess. I personally think I'd be happier if I was dead because that's how I feel inside. I feel like I died the day my son died. I'm drowning today. Everyday is torture since my son passed away. Some days I'm stronger than I think and some days I sit in my pj's feeling full of sadness. My 3 boys are here with me, yet I feel so empty inside. I feel sick when I think that my son is dead, it literally knocks me sick to my stomach. I go into a lot of detail about how I'm feeling because it's good to get it all out isn't it? It's only 2:34pm and I just want to climb in bed and just lay there. I'm tired of participating with life. Death seems so peaceful.  ...

My heart hurts today, ive had a little cry whilst I was listening to some of Jay-Dee's music. Ive done a load of washing today and thats it. Going leave the house tomorrow, not sure where im going but I just need to leave the house. I have a sadness deep inside of me that I know will never leave me. Each day im alive is a day closer to seeing my child and my father again. Im full of grief. Im 3 and a half weeks into my healthy eating and im a stone down. You cant tell though because im that fat! Why is being alive such hard fucking work? I could murder a chocolate bar but im trying my best be good. God give my strength!! Like life isnt bad enough, I plan on quitting my vape when it runs out, im honestly sick of having it in my mouth. Im determined to lose some weight but I need lose about 5 stone before ill be happy. Need my mouth sewing up honestly. 2 and a half weeks to go and the kids go back school. Jesses at that age now where hes really into his gaming online with his friends...

Going to visit my mum again today, im trying to make more of an effort to see her. We sort of drifted apart after the death of my father but now my son has passed away I feel like I need the support more than ever. My son Jensen is going Colombia this month to see his girlfriend who he met whilst he was working there, but because ive lost a child already, it scares me him going on his own incase something bad happens. Im going to be worried the whole time hes away. I couldnt bare to lose another child. I constantly worry about my other children because ive lost my son. I know its completely normal to worry but because ive already lost a son the worrying is even worse. My son Jasper rides his bike to his dads every evening and I tell him every night to stay safe on his bike. Im constantly going to worry about losing another child. This is going to be my life isnt it? Just constantly worrying about losing another son. It will be Jay-Dee's 22nd birthday next month and my heart aches. ...

Yesterday was 10 weeks since my son tragically passed away, but instead of sitting in the house crying, myself, Damian, Louise and the kids went to Blackpool to watch the AirShow. I had the best day and what made it even better is being with people that are grieving the loss of Jay-Dee too. We talked about Jay-Dee many times throughout the day and it did me good having Damian and Louise to talk to. I love talking about our son, it keeps his memory alive. Im absoloutely shattered today, it was a long day with lots of walking. Theres not many familys that can do things together like we do and it makes me feel proud. Its how it should be so that our children can grow up together regardless of whether we live in seperate households. I thought about Jay-Dee the whole day but still mangaed to have the best day. The weather was amazing too, the sun was shinning the whole day. I really did have the best day. Its days like yesterday that keep me going. I have to tell myself on the bad days, tha...

I feel like im losing my fucking mind. Im sat crying. Everyone is moving on with their lives and im stuck in this fucking dark hole I feel buried inside. 10 weeks ago today my baby left for a rave in Liverpool and never came home. When will this get easier? Im angry at the world. I just want my son back!!! I keep seeing angel numbers that give me messages that things will get better, but when? I really think ive lost my mind. I could scream at the world. I just want to go outside and scream as loud as I can. Jesses just come and hugged me because he can see im crying and told me to turn that frown upside down. Honestly if it wasnt for my other boys keeping me going, id be gone. Id be dead already. Its unfair that ive got to stay alive. Why cant I just die already? Im not enjoying a single thing about being alive, I havent since my dad passed away. Some days im ok, but when I say ok, I mean bareable. Im not enjoying life at all. If something doesnt give im not sure how much more I can ...

I've just been into Jay-Dees bedroom. I don't go in very often because I break my heart like I just have. I'm so sad that my son is dead. How am I ever going to empty his room? What do I do with his things? Will I ever be ready? I'm sat with tears streaming from my eyes.  They say grief comes in waves and it really does. I was ok this morning and now I'm sat crying. It's knocked me sick sitting in his bedroom, I'm absolutely devastated. The loss of a child is a pain inside that I've never felt before. Losing my dad was hard, but losing my beautiful child kills me inside. Every moment of everyday I think about my child. I'll never feel whole again. I will always feel an emptiness inside. Everyday I survive is a day closer to seeing my child again. I welcome death.

I am a grieving mother and a grieving daughter. Of all the things that could happen in my life, the worst possible thing happened to me. My dad died and then my son died. I still cant believe this has happened to me. If it wasnt for the medication im on, I think id be close to death. Why didnt my cancer just kill me? Why am I still alive? God has a plan for me, I just have to fight each day and im sure something good will eventually happen. Ive got to be due some happiness havent I? Ill be going church again this sunday, it did me the world of good going. People prayed for me and I feel their prayers are helping me stay strong. Some times I feel like ive lost my mind. I tell myself over and over that im going to be ok. I pray daily for strength and im still here fighting my depression everyday. I can do this, ive got no choice but to live my life. My children need me.

I cried silent tears in bed last night, I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but I have no choice. I've had to wash my hair today and we all know how much I fucking despise washing my hair because of how much is falling out. Honestly can't stop thinking about shaving it all off. I hate it! I mean, would I regret it if I shaved it off? It's down my back now my hair is and I've grown to hate it. I'm not a girly girl, so I don't curl it or what ever, it's usually in a bun ontop of my head. Typical lesbian I hear you say haha. But seriously, the amount of hair I'm losing makes me sick. I'm using Plantur39 which is for hair over 40 and for people going through the Menopause. Both of which I am. I've had a bath and got back in pj's today, I don't feel upto leaving the house.  My son Jasper isn't dealing with his brothers death very well, he messages me at night telling me he's struggling and it breaks my heart for him. I kno...

My Ashes With Art ring has arrived and so has Damians comfort pebble. Both containing our sons ashes. They're absolutely beautiful.  Makes me feel sad that my son is in these things instead of being here in person. I can't stop looking at my ring and it makes my heart ache. I wish my son was still alive. I'm heartbroken. 

Myself, Jasper and Jesse have just got back from the cinema. Not been the cinema in years. We watched the new minions movie. Was nice to spend some quality time together. Back home now and back in my comfy pjs. I feel drained after watching that movie, makes you sleepy going the cinema doesnt it? I cant wait for tomorrow, my ring with my sons ashes in is being delivered. I chose a clear stone so you can really see the ashes in it and I chose clear for Damians comfort pebble too and the pebble will have Jay-Dee written across it. Im hoping it brings us both some comfort. How has it been 9 weeks since I saw my child? Makes me feel sad doing activities with my other children because Jay-Dee should still be here. The dentist rang me this morning asking to speak to Jay-Dee, it was so hard telling them hes passed away. My heartbreaks everyday and I know it will always be this way. Forcing myself to leave the house is doing me some good, plus it makes the day go faster. The faster the days go...

Its Sunday and ive been to church this morning. Ive not been for a while and felt with everything thats happened, I needed to be in church. Everyone gave me a hug, I cried, and people prayed for my strength to get through this difficult time. Church really is a wonderful place. It makes you feel welcome and at home when youre there. I know its not for everyone, but its definitely for me. You can cry in church and everyone is so supportive. It really is a special place to be. I know that my son is in a better place. Does knowing that make my sons death any easier? No, but it will do in time. I know im going to get better, its just going to take time. With my church family by my side, I know I can get through this. How am I feeling today? I feel sad, that will never change, but I feel stronger mentally for going to church.

I dreamt about my dad last night. Like always when I dream about him, he still has cancer and is poorly. Hes always at the end of his life in my dreams and I carry him. What does this mean? Why am I not dreaming of my healthy father? Hes always so fragile in my dreams. Im still waiting for Jay-Dee to visit me in my dreams. Im desperate to see him again. Ive woke up feeling unwell, I feel so tired today. Do I go my mums or just stay indoors today? Im so tired of life. Im the kind of drained that sleeping doesnt cure. A few weeks ago I ordered a ring for myself and a comfort pebble for Damian that will contain our sons ashes. They are being delivered Tuesday, I cant wait wear my ring and have my son with me 24/7. Im hoping it brings me some comfort. Ive just had 2 keyrings delivered for my keys and Damians keys with a photo of Jay-Dee. My heart just keeps breaking. Everyday is a battle. Honestly I could cry at how mentally unwell I am. Im just exhausted by life. Anyway, im going force my...

My brother visited me today for a few hours. He had so much to talk about, and me, I had nothing. Ive got a silent scream inside of me that know one can hear except me. Its screaming now as I type, I feel like something is weighing me down on the inside. I cant breathe, I feel suffocated. Its grief isnt it? This is all caused by grief. After 3 and a half years since my dads death, I fought so hard to get better, I battled everyday to stay alive and now im back to where I was. Back to rock bottom, but saying that, I was getting better, I know it took over 3 years but I was getting there, which means I can get better again cant I? Im trying to stay positive, I will get better. I dont have a choice, I need to stay alive. My children need me.

Taken Jesse Forest Park today and then walked into town to get him a fresh hair cut. I feel better than I have the past few days and I knew I needed to leave the house. Honestly if I didnt have my other 3 boys, I know I would of killed myself by now. They dont realise how much they save me everyday. I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday, but everyday I get up because im a mum! Regardless of how I feel, I still show up everyday. Im stronger than I think I am. I might feel drained with tears in my eyes but, everyday I give all I am. I feel like im stuck in lymbo, I want to be alive for my other 3 children but, I also have suicidal ideation because I want to see my child and dad again. How fucking exhausting it is to be alive when youre dead inside. Ive said before how draining it is to be alive when all you want to do is die, but it really is mentally draining. I couldnt sleep last night which is weird because im medicated, but after 2am I saw every half hour on the clock. An...