August 29th Thursday.

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You know, its 14:51pm and I just said to myself, thank god ive made it through another day. I say it most nights when I get into bed. Will it be like this forever? I wake up in the morning, I struggle to get through the day and then I go back to bed. Why is life so hard? I was going say 'why am I so fucking depressed' but then I already know why.. Im plagued by death. Ive lost alot of people in 4 years and one of them being my son. God life is so hard!! Im so tired, mentally tired. Im drained, as a person. Theres nothing left inside of me. My sister ivited me to hers for Christmas dinner and I replied saying 'what if im not here by Christmas?'. Im literally taking my life day by day, step by step. As for Christmas, I dont even want to celebrate it. How can I after losing my child? I dont want to decorate the house or even buy presents. I just want to fucking die already! Ive got no choice but to show up everyday. Ive got no choice but to make it through each day. My boys need me, as I keep getting told. I tell myself im going to be ok, but due know what? Im not sure I am. What if im lost forever? Living without my child is torture.

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