August 18th Sunday.

I planned on going church today but my body just wouldnt wake up. When I wake up I just lie in bed not wanting to get up. I literally have to force myself to get out of bed. Its 11 weeks today since my son died. He was only 21 and its killing me inside. Ive got no energy at all, my body is tired of fighting to stay alive. Everyday is a battle. People dont realise how mentally unwell I am. My mum asks me everyday if im ok.. of course im not ok, my son has died! I reply to her messages saying 'im ok', when in reality, im falling apart silently. Its only you who reads my blogs, you know how depressed I really am. Maybe if my family took the time to read my blogs, then theyd know im far from ok. I honestly dont know how im going to get better. I dont know what I can do to improve my mental health. I feel like im lost. I dont know who Ann-louise is anymore. The day my son died, I died too. I need somebody to tell me im going to be ok. I need to get better, but how? You know, ive not left the house all week except for nipping the shop. I feel isolated and alone. My kids can be around me and I still feel empty inside. I cant decribe how unwell I am. My mental health is a mess. Im on the verge of breaking point. If something doesnt give im going end up dead. Due know how upsetting it is to think death is the only option I have to getting better. Death means no more pain. I know I cant leave my kids but I also know, I cant live like this much longer. Im driving myself insane. I think im going to have another breakdown. Im sat crying. I cant do this anymore. The only way out is death. Someone please tell me ill be ok.