August 26th Monday.

Its hard to believe we're nearly at the end of August. Time seems to be passing me by. I cried today but thats nothing new, I cry everyday. Ive been to the cinema this evening with my son Jasper. It was nice to have some quality time with him as ive usually got Jesse with me. We watched Coraline in 3D. I love Tim Burton movies so I was excited to watch it in 3D. I felt sick on the way there, it was my anxiety but I pushed through and enjoyed my alone time with Jasper. I saw a TikTok that said 'staying alive incase something good happens' and thats what im doing. Staying alive because things have got to get better havent they? Ive been through so much in the past 4 years, from losing my 55 year old father to cancer, then 6 months after his death, I had cancer. Ive lost a few close family friends too and then to top it all off, my son dies. Its been alot to deal with but through it all, I fight to stay alive. When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up isnt it? Ive got to believe that something good will happen eventually. I deserve some sort of happiness surely. My son Jensen left for Colombia this morning for 10 days, but because ive lost a child, im scared to death of something happening to any of my other sons. Ill worry for the whole 10 days hes away. I know its natural but it doesnt make me feel any better. When you lose a child you worry about your other children even more. My sons name is Jay-Dee and he was 21 years old and I will always talk about him until I get to see him again.