August 27th Tuesday.

So my son Jensen has landed safe in Colombia. He'll be turning 21 on Friday but he wont be here to celebrate so we're all going out for a birthday meal when hes back home. My eldest 2 boys are Irish Twins, they were born 11 months apart, so every year for 30 days Jensen is the same age as Jay-Dee. Jay-Dee was born September 30th and the following August 30th, I had Jensen. It was like having twins when they were both babies. Next month my first born should of been celebrating his 22nd birthday but hes no longer here. I still plan on buying him a cake and cards. Cleaned my kitchen today, dont know where my energy came from to be honest. I keep thinking of starting to drive when Jesse goes back school but ive got anxiety about doing the lessons. Im going push myself to do it because I know in the long run it will be better if I drove. Having anxiety, depression and everything else ive been diagnosed with is hard work. one minute I can be ok and the next I can be suicidal. Im doing ok today though. All I do is sit thinking about my son that has passed away, I try to be there for my other boys but Jay-Dee is always on my mind. I put a smile on my face but I will forever be sad that my child is gone. I find myself sitting staring at his urn in the livingroom, I could spend ages just staring and wondering why he did it. It was the drugs, I have to tell myself. He wouldnt of done it otherwise. It just breaks my heart everyday living without my son. I think that its selfish that I have to stay alive. I know my children need me but deep down im not happy. Why cant people say 'its ok Ann-louise if youve had enough, its ok to go'? But no, I have to stay dont I... Honestly, I could happily die.