August 1st 2024 Thursday.

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Taken Jesse Forest Park today and then walked into town to get him a fresh hair cut. I feel better than I have the past few days and I knew I needed to leave the house. Honestly if I didnt have my other 3 boys, I know I would of killed myself by now. They dont realise how much they save me everyday. I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday, but everyday I get up because im a mum! Regardless of how I feel, I still show up everyday. Im stronger than I think I am. I might feel drained with tears in my eyes but, everyday I give all I am. I feel like im stuck in lymbo, I want to be alive for my other 3 children but, I also have suicidal ideation because I want to see my child and dad again. How fucking exhausting it is to be alive when youre dead inside. Ive said before how draining it is to be alive when all you want to do is die, but it really is mentally draining. I couldnt sleep last night which is weird because im medicated, but after 2am I saw every half hour on the clock. Anyway, heres to another day of hanging on by a thread.

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