August 5th Monday.

-
Myself, Jasper and Jesse have just got back from the cinema. Not been the cinema in years. We watched the new minions movie. Was nice to spend some quality time together. Back home now and back in my comfy pjs. I feel drained after watching that movie, makes you sleepy going the cinema doesnt it? I cant wait for tomorrow, my ring with my sons ashes in is being delivered. I chose a clear stone so you can really see the ashes in it and I chose clear for Damians comfort pebble too and the pebble will have Jay-Dee written across it. Im hoping it brings us both some comfort. How has it been 9 weeks since I saw my child? Makes me feel sad doing activities with my other children because Jay-Dee should still be here. The dentist rang me this morning asking to speak to Jay-Dee, it was so hard telling them hes passed away. My heartbreaks everyday and I know it will always be this way. Forcing myself to leave the house is doing me some good, plus it makes the day go faster. The faster the days go, means im closer to seeing my child again. Cant wait to get a bit older and die. Ive said before, I dont want to live to an old age. Im not sure what age I want to live to, but I know I dont want end up in a care home. How am I feeling today? Im sad, that will never change, but mentally, im doing ok today.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 3rd 2024 The Morning After.

-
The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an
Read more

June 2nd 2024 My First Born Son Passed Away 💔🕊

-
My first born beautiful boy passed away today, I am absoloutely devastated. Im struggling to come to terms with the death of my father, im hanging on by a thread and then my son passes away. My son died today, my baby boy died and I dont know how to live a life without him. I dont want to live a life without him!!! When will my nightmare of a life end? How do I carry on when all I want to do is die? My son was 21 years old, his name is Jay-Dee Colclough. I just want to sceam and rip my hair out, I want to die. I cant die can I, I have 3 other children that need me. I know one day im going to die.Im sat telling myself that my other boys need me but I feel like my body just wants to give up. Im tired now of fighting depression. I am so fucking tired. How do you carry on living when a piece of you has just passed away, someone tell me how I carry on living without my son..
Read more