August 13th Tuesday.

Going to visit my mum again today, im trying to make more of an effort to see her. We sort of drifted apart after the death of my father but now my son has passed away I feel like I need the support more than ever. My son Jensen is going Colombia this month to see his girlfriend who he met whilst he was working there, but because ive lost a child already, it scares me him going on his own incase something bad happens. Im going to be worried the whole time hes away. I couldnt bare to lose another child. I constantly worry about my other children because ive lost my son. I know its completely normal to worry but because ive already lost a son the worrying is even worse. My son Jasper rides his bike to his dads every evening and I tell him every night to stay safe on his bike. Im constantly going to worry about losing another child. This is going to be my life isnt it? Just constantly worrying about losing another son. It will be Jay-Dee's 22nd birthday next month and my heart aches. He should stil be here, life is so unfair! Ive been eating healthier the past 3 weeks and im 13lb down in weight. Ive gained so much weight because of the menopause and the medication I take so its hard to shift the weight but im trying. Im basically just cutting out all the shit I was eating, my sweet tooth is so bad and im trying to fill up on water between meals. If im honest I dont really eat meals, ive just been eating bits of food when im hungry. When Jesse goes back school I want to start driving so im trying save what ever money I can to buy a cheap little car. I think driving would do me the world of good and I wont be so housebound, well im hoping it helps me anyway. Every time I speak to my kids I always say 'I love you'. The last message I sent Jay-Dee was 'stay safe and I love you'. The last thing was I love you and I just hope he knew how much I loved him and I still do. I miss my son so much.