August 14th Wednesday.

My heart hurts today, ive had a little cry whilst I was listening to some of Jay-Dee's music. Ive done a load of washing today and thats it. Going leave the house tomorrow, not sure where im going but I just need to leave the house. I have a sadness deep inside of me that I know will never leave me. Each day im alive is a day closer to seeing my child and my father again. Im full of grief. Im 3 and a half weeks into my healthy eating and im a stone down. You cant tell though because im that fat! Why is being alive such hard fucking work? I could murder a chocolate bar but im trying my best be good. God give my strength!! Like life isnt bad enough, I plan on quitting my vape when it runs out, im honestly sick of having it in my mouth. Im determined to lose some weight but I need lose about 5 stone before ill be happy. Need my mouth sewing up honestly. 2 and a half weeks to go and the kids go back school. Jesses at that age now where hes really into his gaming online with his friends so if we dont go out anywhere, hes good as gold on his computer. Some days I want to leave the house and some days I just want to stay in my pjs and hibernate at home. I bet everyones like that though arent they? I have to tell myself, im not the only person stuck in the house some days. Ive felt drained all day today and I slept in till late. Im emotionally drained everyday, probably the reason I stay indoors some days. Life in general is draining but adding grief into the equation makes it feel even worse. God im so tired of life. Its meant to be a blessing waking up everyday, but to me its like a chore. Wake up, get through the day and go back to bed. Some days are like groundhog day and when I say some days, I mean most days. Imagine if I died and got reincarnated? Fuck my life! No thank you..