April 3rd Good Friday.

Been questioning my sobriety and why im even sober, so i reached out to my brother and sister on our group chat. My sister said i would spiral and that I self harm when im drunk and that I also wouldnt stop at one drink. I needed to hear them words because they're all true. Its only 11am and i feel sad that my dad and son are no longer here with me. Just been looking at the canvases on my stairs of my dad and son and my heart sank. I can't tell you how much I miss them both. Its hurts my heart. Why am I questioning my sobriety? Maybe because I feel like i dont fit in and I did when I was drinking. I dont drink, I quit the weed about 8 weeks ago, I dont smoke, I dont do drugs, I literally vape thats it and im giving that up when I go on holiday. I thought it would be a good time to quit, not buying one when im away. I tried to kill myself so many times in drink which is why I got sober. My kids are proud of me so why am I questioning it?! I dunno, im just having one of those days I think. I know alcohol isn't the answer. Im 4 years and 4 months sober. One drink and id be drunk haha, but seriously though, i can't go back. Ive come too far. Ill give my head a wobble and ill be ok. Couldn't do it to my boys. I need to remember the bond I have with them since going sober. Just goes to show after all these years, you still have days where you want a drink. Sobriety isn't easy at all, but ive got this. I dont need a drink. Ive got my Pepsi Max haha. Ive got no plans for today, im having a pj day I think. Need to nip the shops tomorrow for a refill for my vape and some bits from Asda. I wish I was a happy person, I miss my old life, the one with my dad and son still here. Im so depressed everyday, im surprised im still alive if im honest. I keep thinking June 2nd will be 2 years for Jay-Dee and I honestly dont know how ive made it through them years. Its all a blur. 6 years in November for my dad. 6 years.. feel like ive blinked and life has just passed me by. Ive been mentally unwell for so long, im shocked im still alive. I say it all the time, but im only here for my boys. Them and prayer is what gets me through each day. Without my boys I am nothing. I lost myself when my dad died and after years I thought I was getting better, but then my son died and I died all over again. Losing a parent is HARD! But to then lose a child.. can't tell you how hard its been. Everyday is a battle to stay alive. I just feel so sad today. The sad days outweigh the better days. I get about 2 days a week where I feel ok and then rest i just wish I was dead. Even on my better days, I still welcome death. I know im not alone in how I feel and thats why I write these blogs. I know there's people all over the world that are struggling too. When I see my psychiatrist im going to tell her im suicidal most days and I just dont understand why im still here. I need to tell her I can't find me and that I think I might be lost forever. The old Ann-Louise died the day my dad died and ive struggled ever since to find her. After Jay-Dee died I died all over again. Grief is hard.