April 10th Friday.

Ive realised that ive isolated myself the past few weeks, dont know if its because its the school holidays or not, but ive not been out of the house much. Ive not been to see my friends, I just haven't had the energy, mentally speaking. Feel really low, im so depressed. I had an email today off Tui saying 82 days until my holiday. I should be excited, but im not. Im filled with anxiety about going on my own with Jasper and Jesse. Ive brought nothing to take yet as I want to lose some weight. I just wish I was excited. Jesse went out with Damian at half 12 to go bowling and hes still not home. Its 6:12pm now. Ive cleaned up today, hoovered around and ive even showered and washed my hair! Spent my free time stuck in the house cleaning up. Its been a nice relaxing day if im honest, apart from the cleaning and the chore of washing my hair. Can't seem to find happiness and im trying my best with life, but im just not happy being alive. Grief is eating me alive. All I ever think about is my father and son and how much I miss them. I could cry. Life was never of meant to be this way. I feel dead inside, ive got no go in me. Im so lost in life and im struggling to find myself. I can't keep living like this, ive had enough of being alive. Im still dieting and fasting, im currently 24 hours into a fast and when I break my fast ill eat under 1000 calories. I have got to lose some weight doing this. I have weighed myself and ive lost 2kg already and only started fasting Tuesday night. Maybe when ive lost some weight ill feel a bit better about myself, who knows. Ive broke out in spots all over my face so ive got star patches everywhere. Its got to be from all the water im drinking maybe, flushing the toxins out. Cut down my fizzy pop too. Im really trying to do better. Just got to keep going haven't I? I'd give my life to see my dad and son again. I miss them so much its killing me. Going get dressed tomorrow and leave the house with Jesse. Its doing me no good keep isolating myself. I can't wait to get into bed if im honest. Im so depressed I feel like ive given up on life. Im dead inside. Be glad get back to the school run if im honest, back to normality. Anyway, bye.