April 9th Thursday.

I asked myself today, what would my dad and son be saying to me? Im sure they'd be telling me to live my life and be happy, but I dont know how to be happy without them. I dont know this new life im learning to live. Ive lost myself along the way. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. I dont recognise myself when i look in the mirror. Im so depressed. My mate has invited me hers for a catch up, and I just can't be bothered to go. Forced myself to shower today, go me! Something people do everyday and i have to force myself to shower. Depression and grief are killing me. Ive spent the day doing nothing, just watching the time pass me by. Done some washing, showered, made Jesse food all day, but thats it. Ive prayed for strength to get me through the day and its now 4:05pm. Yesterday I had washing pegged out, today I have the fire on. Day 2 of calorie counting along with fasting and its going ok. Honestly, after seeing photos of myself at my sisters bbq, it gave me a wake up call. Got to lose some weight before I go away! We'll see if I lose anything when I weigh myself next Tuesday. My problem is my medication, my weight has come from taking Olanzopine. May of saved my life, but im now morbidly obese hahaha. If I dont laugh, ill cry.. Jasper stayed last night and hes still asleep. He woke me up early hours of the morning looking for my power bank battery thing I have because we had a power cut so god knows what time he went asleep. I wake up and I can't wait to go back bed. I wish id just die in my sleep. Anyway, thats my day.