April 29th Wednesday.

How i wish my father and son could of stayed..

Life has been extremely difficult since they went away. My heart aches daily. I think about suicide at least once a day, everyday day. I wish I could just end my life and be done with, but I can't do it to my children. I can't leave them feeling the way I feel. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. The pain I feel on a daily basis is killing me. Everyday i fight to survive yet another day. Im simply surviving. 

After id been the cafe this morning, I walked to the chemist to collect my medication. Doesn't seem like much, but to me it was alot. I can't remember the last time I collected my own medication. My anxiety eats away at me, but today I got it myself and im proud of myself. Im pushing myself to do more, im trying my best to get better mentally. Walked to Asda to do some shopping, im proud of myself. Its the little things that make a big difference. 

Im making the kids favourite for tea and it was always Jay-Dees favourite meal, chilli and rice. I always did Jay-Dee a bigger portion than everyone else because he loved it so much. Its the little things I miss about him. I miss seeing his face everyday after work. I miss seeing my dad when he use to call in after work and have a beer with me. I miss them both so much, it physically hurts my heart. Im so heartbroken. I dont know how to live without them both.. ill forever be heartbroken. All the medication im on and im still chronically depressed. If i feel like this with the medication, can you imagine how id be without it. Its keeping my head above water. I dont want to be on medication for the rest of my life, but I fear I may have to just to survive. My mental health is so poor, im shocked im still alive. Its coming upto 2 years since my son killed himself and I honestly dont know how im still breathing. How am I getting through each day? I pray alot for strength to get me through the day, im always praying. Im so fed up of being alive, but everyday I survive, is a day closer to my death..