April 15th Wednesday.

I dont take care of myself anymore, I dont put mascara on like i use to. I forget to spray my perfume before I leave the house and I dont buy myself any new clothes. Ive really let myself go. Having depression is horrible. Im trying to take some control back of my life by dieting. Maybe when im slimmer ill make more of an effort, I dont know. Im really trying my best with dieting, I really want to lose some weight. Well, alot of weight. Ive lost my identity and im struggling to find it, but im trying. I went the cafe this morning, dont know why I bother because I never have much to say. I just push myself to socialise. I could easily just shut the world out and stay indoors, but I know it wouldnt be good for me. Losing my father destroyed me, I can't cope with what's happened. Im struggling to process his death, and then my son dies. What was left of me, died. Ive never felt pain like im feeling. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces. I am so depressed, I can't describe how bad I feel inside. I feel like ive died, but my body wont give up. God keeps waking me up everyday and I ask him, why? I know my boys need their mum, but i can't go on living the way i am. I honestly believe depression will kill me one day, or should I say, I will kill me one day. Sad isn't it? Im 42 and im morbidly depressed. Can't seem to snap out of it, so to speak. Can't see a light at the end of this dark tunnel im in. I feel stuck in a dark hole. Jesse gave me a hug and a kiss this morning and said I love you, thats what gets me through each day. My boys mean the world to me. Not a day goes by where I dont tell them I love them. Life can be so cruel, so I always tell them I love them. It hurts my heart that one of my children are dead, its a pain like no other. Why my child? Why my dad? Why has this happened? Ill never know, but what i do know is that their deaths has destroyed me. I dont see me ever getting better. My mental health is so low, I just want to sleep forever. Yes, im mean death. Ive got an upcoming holiday i should be excited about, but im not. Wish id never booked it last year. In my head I thought id be in a better place mentally, but im not. My anxiety is through the roof thinking about taking the boys on my own. I know we'll be fine when we get there. Im just nervous. Im sure Jasper will help me. Haven't got cook tea tonight, Jensen is getting him, Jasper and Jesse a take away. Nice to have a night off from cooking and doing dishes. I wont have a take away as im being strict with my diet. Hate dieting, but I know i need to lose weight! Im really hoping im a bit happier when im slimmer..