April 24th Friday.

When you lose someone you love, you gain an angel you know. 

Feel a bit deflated today, feeling low. Ive got photos of my dad and son all around my house, makes my heart sad when I look at them, but also gives me a little bit of comfort having their pictures around me. I miss them so much, my heart really hurts. Wish I could just climb into bed and just lie there, thats how I feel today. The world is just passing me by, and im stuck in grief. Feel so fed up today. Im sat on my own contemplating life.

I read something yesterday on Facebook about a woman who lost her only son and shes going to Switzerland I think it was, so she could end her life. If i didn't have 3 other children that need me, id happily end my life. I'd love to just end this pain that I feel inside. Depression will take my life one day, I just know it. I was thinking about how on one random day we'll just die. You never know when your time is up. Dying doesnt scare me, leaving my kids behind does. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. Im lost in the world. I really am alive only for my kids. I want to self harm, but I dont want my kids seeing my wrists. I want to take the pain away I feel inside. The last time I self harmed was the day my son died. Im trying to be strong so I wont do it again dont worry. Im stronger than I think I am. To keep going after everything thats happened, shows how strong I am. Im proud of myself that I keep going. 

This upcoming holiday im going on is giving me major anxiety. Wish id never booked it. A year ago when I booked it, in my head I thought id be feeling better, but im not. I know ill be fine when I get there, im just worried about going the airport. Ive been on holiday loads of times, but always with another adult and this time im the only adult going. Well, saying that Jasper will be 18 when we go, but im still worrying. Jasper will help me. The holiday will do me the world of good once im there. Im just nervous. 

Jesse is at school, we've done a full week. Proud of myself for getting up everyday, because some days I just dont want to do life, like today for example. 

Anyway, im cooking a curry for tea and thats my day.