April 25th Saturday.

Was meant be going my mums today with my sister, but im not feeling the best. Ive got no motivation at all. So fed up of being depressed. A photo of Jay-Dee and his best friends came up on my memories and it broke my heart. I see his friends all doing things, going out etc and it breaks my heart that my son is no longer here doing things with them. I got dressed, decided I wasn't going out today and got back into clean pjs. Sick and tired of feeling the way I do. Wish I could just end my life and be done with. My dad was 55 and my son was 21, its killing me inside that they're both gone. They had so much more life to live, its just not fair! Grief is destroying me. Cancelling plans like going my mums today because ive got no interest in being around people. Grief and depression are ruining my life. I dreamt last night that we were on holiday, this holiday is really playing on my mind. I wish id never booked it, but ive paid for it all now, so ive got to go. Don't know why im so nervous! What is wrong with me? If im honest my mum pissed me off when she rang, I wanted her put me a toner on my hair and the first thing she said was, im not doing your hair you can take the toner home and do it yourself. I thought, bitch. She does fuck all for me. Shocked she even rang me if im honest because its usually a text! Fuck her and her attitude. I dont ask for anything, the least she could of done was put my toner on my hair for me, but fuck it!! I have to take mum with a pinch of salt because she winds me up. Jesse didn't want to go anyway because of how strict she is. So we're staying in. Ive got the ingredients in to make a curry for tea, but im thinking of ordering a take away and cooking tomorrow. All I ever seem to do is cook and clean..

Jesse will be 10 in a couple of weeks, feel like ive blinked and hes grown up. Not got a clue what to get hom for his birthday, he just wants money on his PlayStation. Hes growing up so fast. Jasper will be 18 in June, hes not doing well with his mental health. Jay-Dees death has destroyed us all. Jensen struggles with his mental health too. Grief is horrible, but I know its the price we pay for loving so deeply. 

My heart will be broken forever.