April 11th Saturday.

Had Jesse burning up all night, hes not very well, but he wants to sleep Damians tonight so we'll see how he is later. His new passport is being delivered today, Damian did his renewal and paid for it. Hes so good to me and the boys. Im blessed to have an ex who is as good as he is. So looks like im not leaving the house any time soon. Just had an Iceland shop delivered because I can't leave the house. Ive just been sat thinking, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this life. I just want to end it all. I know I can't and it kills me. Jesse's poorly, how could I even think about suicide? Im just fed up of being depressed. Im not living, im just surviving. Trying my best to get through each day. Ive just seen photos of Jay-Dees best mate Brad on Facebook all dressed up going to the races and my heart sank, because Jay-Dee would of probably gone with him all dressed up. Im just gutted. I look at photos everyday of my dad and son and I still can't believe they're gone forever. I was messaging my mum last night telling her im not coping with life and she said that it upsets her that this is how my life is and how much ive changed from the person I was. Death can do that. Not only have I lost my best friend, but ive also lost my first born child. I dont want to be alive anymore. Ive told mum ill go see her Tuesday for a few hours. She's suffering with her mental health too, so it'll be nice to have a catch up. Its 11:16am and ive already wrote the day off. Jesse's still lying in my bed poorly. Not alot I can do now. Plus im waiting for his passport. Im going to go out of my mind if I dont leave this house at some point! Saying that, i think ive already lost my mind. I just want to scream out loud!! I can't come to terms with what's happened. I refuse to think ill never see my dad and son again. Its eating away at me. Grief is slowly killing me. Im meant to be getting better, but im not. Im scared that this is going to be my life forever. My mum said it will get better as time goes on, but how? How am I meant to get better? What the fuck am I meant to be doing? Im under a psychiatrist and its not helping. Im lost i know this. Im so depressed trying to find myself, but i dont know where to look or how to find me. Honestly, if I didn't have to stay for my boys i would kill myself..