April 8th Wednesday.

Playing Nerf guns with Jesse, hes just said "mum, my life flashed before my eyes" and in my head i said, "Jay-Dees will of done before he died". Why is my brain like this? Trying to have fun with Jesse and my own brain sabotage me. Its really me versus me. Woke up about 10am, decided to immediately get dressed instead of sitting in my pjs all day. Took Jesse to get his hair cut and went Asda for ingredients to make Jay-Dees favourite tea, chilli. Ive been on a calorie deficit today, eating under 1400 calories, going try do it everyday and lose some weight before my holiday. Got one more payment and ive paid it all off. Booked it last year so I could pay it off monthly. Absolutely shitting myself about taking the boys abroad on my own, ive always gone with another adult. Im sure ill be ok. Pray for me. Cooked tea, done the dishes, taken my evening meds and thats my day. Had a really good time yesterday at my sisters, but I came home after a few hours. My brother and sister were drinking and I could start to tell when the drink was kicking in, so that was my time to leave. I still struggle being around drinkers. Gives me anxiety and I dont know why. Could of easily had a drink yesterday, but thank god I didn't. This sober life is hard work! Saw myself on photos yesterday and thought you fat bitch!! So today ive started my diet. Its 6:43pm roll on bed time...