April 30th Thursday.

I often find myself standing in the kitchen and staring out the window. Not looking at anything, I just dissociate for a while. I do it alot. My mind just wonders off to nowhere. Pics of Jay-Dee came on my Facebook memories this morning and my heart sank. He had so much more life to live, ill never understand why he killed himself. I never got to say goodbye. I held my dad's hand as he took his last breath and got to say goodbye and it still kills me inside. The pain I feel inside since losing my dad and son I can't even describe. I feel numb to life, ive given up on living and that makes me sad. Death has destroyed me, I dont recognise myself. My hair is a mess, my roots are massive and ive not washed it for 3 weeks. Im going to force myself to wash it this weekend. Please dont judge me, im grieving and im so depressed. Im trying my best to lose weight, but im struggling because of the medication and Menopause. I feel like ive let myself go. I dont even want to be alive never mind washing my hair. I see my psychiatrist 22nd of May, can't wait to tell her how much I wish I was dead. I hope my dad is with my son, I pray they're together. I can't wait to see them both again in our next life. Im so tired of being depressed, I could just end it all. That's how I feel. Just can't leave my kids behind. I use to be happy until my dad died, then I had cancer, then my son killed himself. My life has been like a series of unfortunate events. Since losing a child, im scared ill lose another. I have nightmares about my children passing away. Losing my dad destroyed me, but to then lose a child.. its killed off what was left of me. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't see a purpose in me being alive. Im only here for my boys. If only they knew how unhappy I am and that im only alive today because of them. I just want to cry in bed, but I can't. Ive got to stay strong for my children. Im dead inside and I look like ive died from the outside. Im a mess. I barely shower, ive neglected my hair, ive got spots, im just a mess. God I wish id just die and be done with.