April 20th Monday.

Feel really deflated today. Ive been the cafe to meet my friends and I just felt like I dont fit in. Tried joining in, in conversation, but I literally have nothing to say. When I went my mates yesterday, she was telling me that shes dating someone and how her date went, and then she said hows things with me.. I had nothing to say, I just said I was ok. Ive got nothing going on in my life, nothing to talk about. How do you tell someone that not committing suicide is the main part of my day?.. I should be thankful really that I have a peaceful life I guess. Tomorrow will be 5 years since I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. If I hadnt of gone for my cervical screening I might not be here now. It was caught early, stage 1b I was. I guess i should be thankful that it was caught early and cut out, along with all my womb, ovaries, the lot. Plus 19 pelvic lymph nodes. If I hadnt of been ontop of my smears my kids wouldnt have their mum, so thank God. My next appointment at the hospital should be my last if everything looks ok. You get checked for 5 years after youve had cancer, just waiting for my appointment to come through. Crazy to think i had cancer 6 months after my dad died of cancer. Still hard to process everything thats happened in my life. The only good to come out of all this tragedy, is that im over 4 years sober. Amen. Ruined my diet by having that curry Saturday because im at the same weight I was last Tuesday. So still only lost 11lb. Im going to carry on though and see if I can lose more and no more take aways! My friend this morning said i might of lost inches and its not showing on the scales. Who knows.. Been Asda and brought lots of salad stuff to have a big healthy tea, brought some hot Nandos sauce to have all over the top. Going have boiled eggs with it. Miss my dad and son so much, but ive got to keep going. They wouldnt want me to be sad everyday.