April 18th Saturday.

Not felt too bad today. Got up this morning, got ready and myself and Jesse went the shops so he could ride his bike. There's sun was shining and I felt ok. Its Damians birthday today, brought him some gifts and a cake off the kids. We've always brought each other presents off the kids even though we're not together. Its really nice. Hes just collected Jesse for a sleepover, Jasper has gone too. Jensen is in Manchester day drinking with a group of friends for one of their birthdays. I have the house to myself. I messaged Jensen saying stay safe and I love you. The same message I sent Jay-Dee before he died. Scares the shit out of me now when my kids go out, incase they dont come home. Losing a child can do that. You worry so much more about losing another child, its literally heartbreaking. Couldn't bare to lose another child. Just the thought of it scares the shit out of me. I know my kids are struggling with their mental health too and it worries me. Losing Jay-Dee has affected us all. They've lost their grandad and brother in the space of a few years. Its heartbreaking for us all. I can't deal with what's happened, so god knows how they feel. I have the house to myself. Not had the house to myself in forever, there's always a child with me, which i love. Feel a bit lost.. I could get ready and go see my friends, but I really can't be bothered. Im watching At Home With The Furrys on Netflix, im on the last episode, so going watch this in peace. Ill be in bed early tonight watching tv and im just going to enjoy the peace.