April 22nd Wednesday.

Losing my father and son is a pain like no other. I think about them all through the day, I close my eyes and they're on my mind. Grief is consuming me. I struggle to do things i use to, things I use to enjoy. Now I see no point in being alive. Its a horrible feeling. Im so heartbroken. I use to be so outgoing and bubbly, now I barely speak and have anxiety about going to Asda. Death really changes who you are. I seem to be lost in the world and only continue to live because im a mum. I find no enjoyment in being alive. Meeting up with friends is a task. I have to force myself to do things so my anxiety doesn't take over my life. Im struggling to lose weight because of my medication and going through the Menopause. If I mention the Menopause, people say "youre too young to be going through the Menopause"! Then I have to say, I have no womb because I had cancer. I dont take my HRT anymore because I was so sick of being on it. Im fed up with how much medication I have to take just to stay afloat. Morning meds, nighttime meds, im sick of it all. Im so fed up of doing this life day in day out! Then I think to myself, who would care for my children if I were to die? And thats what keeps me going. I know im not living, im just surviving. I can't change what's happened unfortunately, but I am trying to live with the pain I feel daily. Its nearly June 2nd and that will be 2 years without my child. I can't describe how I feel inside. 2 years of heartache. 6 years in November for my dad, November 15th. Life has been so hard since my dad passed away. Im so lucky I have a good relationship with my brother and sister. We speak numerous times a day, everyday. Without them two, id be very lost. I mean, im already lost, but without them two id be even worse. The only family that bother with each other, the rest of our family are shit. My mum will message every now and then asking how I am, and I say the same thing every time.. depressed. Im fucking depressed and im sick of it. Ive suffered with depression way before my dad died, but his death triggered something inside of me, something died inside of me. Then I had cancer and lost my head. Thought I was getting better, then my son killed himself.. killed off what was left of me. I battle with suicidal thoughts most days. Its horrible. Went the cafe this morning, didn't say much as usual. Got nothing to talk about, all thats ever on my mind is my dead father and son. I could talk about them all day long, but nobody wants to hear that, so I have to keep my mouth shut and get on with life. Im literally living day by day. I dont plan anything because I just dont know if ill have a good day or a bad day. I use the word "good" loosely. A better day i should say because its never a good day. Ive made a cottage pie for tea with fresh carrots and gravy. Even though im depressed and grieving, my kids have still got to eat and wear clean clothes. I get my jobs done in the house and even still whilst doing things im still thinking of my dad and son. Will life always be like this? I know ill be grieving forever. Jesse will be home in 10 minutes, he always manages to brighten my day. Can't wait see him.