April 26th Sunday.

Its 4:20pm now, Jesse went Damians last night for a sleepover and to go Max's birthday party this morning. Hes still not home. He absolutely loves his days with Damian. The bond they have is beautiful. 

Literally forced myself to go see Rachael today, not long got back. She talks and I listen because ive never really got alot to say anymore. I join in with conversations the best I can, but I have to force myself. Im just cooking a curry for the boys, ive had egg sandwiches. Im obsessed with egg sandwiches at the moment. Im doing a load of washing so I can peg some outside whilst its nice. The weekend is nearly over, it goes by so fast. Want to do another full week of school for Jesse. Going my sisters after school Friday for a bbq which will be nice. Ill be meeting her new boyfriend. Everyone is moving on in life and I feel like im stuck grieving.. im so fed up of being alive, even on my better days like today, im still sad. My dad was in my dreams last night, can't remember the dream, but I know my dad was there and for the first time in forever, he wasn't dying. He was healthy which made me happy. I see these dreams as visitations which make me happy. I know i say it all the time, but I miss my dad and son so much. Life is miserable without them both here. Im just going to be sad forever I fear. Even when I experience happiness, ill always be sad at the same time. I know its something ive got to live with and im trying so much to live this life, but all I want to do is end my life. Ive had enough of feeling the way I feel, and the only way out of it is death. I know one day ill take my own life, I just dont know when..