April 6th Monday.

Feel deflated today, ive got no go in me. Don't want leave the house, but dont want be stuck in the house. Welcome to my brain. Doesn't know what it wants! Can't afford to go out even if i wanted to. Had Iceland delivered so I dont have to go the shops. Roll on tomorrow, bbq at my sisters with the family. Im so heartbroken its unreal. My heart aches for what ive lost. My head is a mess. I feel so isolated. Can't be bothered to go see my friends. Ive just got no go in me. This is depression and grief. Im screaming inside for the life that ive lost. The me before all this tragedy happened. I know I can't go back because I dont belong there anymore. Im sober now, im on a new journey to find me again. Grief is a lonely road to be on. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning, had to get up though to feed my animals. Ive not showered for a few days and my hair hasn't been washed for about a week. Im just sat in my pjs wishing the day would just pass me by. Ill be glad to get back to the school run, give me some motivation. Back to a routine. Im going to shower today, going force myself to wash my hair ready for tomorrow. My heart aches for my dad and son. Its like I dont want to enjoy life without them. I know they're with me everyday, its just hard without them. Im so tired, tired that sleep isn't curing. Im drained. Ive had enough of being alive. I just wish I could end my suffering. I thought about taking an overdose last night and then I found myself looking at Jesse's photo on the fire place and I thought, I can't do it, he needs me. My boys need me. I have no choice but to stay alive.. I have a darkness hanging over me, like a rain cloud, it follows me everywhere I go. Im not happy anymore, I can't remember the last time i was happy. It seems like a distant memory. I smile at people, but its fake. Ive gotten too comfortable with fake smiling. If only people knew how fucking depressed I really am.