Cancer, Depression and Me.

I think about killing myself alot, but the pain i feel from losing my father and son, I could never pass that pain on to my children, my family or my friends. So as much as I think about it, I always think about them and what it would do to them.  As much as I long to see my dad and son again, I know ive got to wait until its my time to go. Im in a constant state of before and after, life and death. I had to start a new life after their deaths, a new life without them and as much as I want to die, I also want to live for my children.  Im living a real life nightmare. Its horrible and cruel.. Waking up this morning and getting Jesse ready for his first day in his last year of primary school and it hit me that if I killed myself, who would help him button up his shirt? Who would walk him to school? I kissed and hugged him before he went in and I said I love you so much, have the best first day. Its things like this that keep me going. So as much as id love to end it all, I have ...

Suicide awareness month and my heart breaks all over again. Its a month to remember those lost to suicide like my son and to those who are suicidal like myself.  I want to be alive for my boys, but I always have suicidal ideation. I welcome death with open arms, just so I can see my dad and son again. Im riddled with anxiety today about going back school tomorrow. Im so nervous about going and I dont know why. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Im so broken its unreal. I feel like i dont fit in anymore. Ive felt like this for years and its not getting better. I dont know how im still standing after losing my father and son. I honestly dont know how ive not killed myself already.  I think about death way more than I should do, its not normal how often I think about killing myself. Im seriously fucked in the head!  Tomorrow ill go the cafe and see my friends who ive not seen over the holidays and ill wear my fake smile, like everything is ok and deep down inside i just want t...