Cancer, Depression and Me.

Today i showered, washed my hair and then ive dried and straightened it ready to go out tomorrow night. So nervous about going out because I dont have the energy my friends do. They'll be singing and dancing, just hope i do too. Im so nervous about going out, but I know ill be fine with my friends. I think there's 7 of us going so it should be a good night. Ive not felt too bad today, Jesse didn't go school till half 10 because we slept in, but at least he went in. So proud of myself for doing my hair, you all know how much I hate my hair, but now its done I like it. Glad I had my roots done. Did all my washing today, dried and folded it all. Im having a better day, thank God. Just waiting for Jasper come across and thats it for today.

"Some times you feel like you want to disappear, but really, all you want is to be found". That quote made me think. I just want someone to understand how i feel. My psychiatrist doesnt know what to do with me and the medication is only keeping my head above water. I know that grief is love and thats why im grieving so badly, because i really loved my dad and my child. I know they're not coming back, so why can't I just come to terms with that? Why am I in so much pain mentally?  I love hard and thats why their deaths have really affected me. I love them both so much, its hurts. Its the ages that they died too, 21 and 55. They had so much more life to live. It kills me inside.  Jay-Dee was a month away from becoming a qualified brick layer. He was at the end of his apprenticeship. My dad was Jesse's bestie, he died when Jesse was 4. Its tragic. Ive got to live the rest of my life with this grief, and thats ok, because it means they'll always live on through me...

Ive been seeing alot of posts on tiktok about what happens when people die and it says a soul doesnt die, only the body dies, but the soul stays with you and honestly, it gave me some comfort. I know my dad and son are still with me, I just wish they'd send me signs that they're around me. I miss them both so much, but I know my dad will be looking after Jay-Dee for me.  I feel a bit deflated today.  Jesse took himself school, so I decided to walk down the bottom of the Abbey to go the shop, I got there and it was shut. Already had anxiety going a different shop on my own, but anyway, I ended up walking from the shop at the bottom of the Abbey to Asda on Werrington Road. I was absolutely shattered, but proud of myself for going alone. I got home and showered. I was sweating. Definitely got my steps in today. Im just sat now thinking about my dad and son and how much I miss them both.  Ive applied for a job today, its only a dinner lady job at a special school, but fingers...

Did the school run, went the cafe, tried to join in with conversations. Went Asda, came home and ive been sat on my own all day. Slowly going out of my mind. Its been a long day. I was sat in the cafe watching all my friends talking to each other and it made me realise how disconnected I am from everything. I feel like I just dont fit in anymore. Im only here because my boys need me, but I long to die. When my friends are all talking I just sit there with my fake smile on my face. I just wanted to tell them how unwell I am mentally, but I just kept it to myself. I was so anxious about doing the school run, but thats because I didn't do it all last week. I keep thinking about not going out with all my friends Friday night, I know it will do me good, but im not as outgoing as them and im worried they'll think im boring. I dont know, maybe it'll be fun and I'll actually enjoy myself.. but what if i dont. What if I just want to be alone? I guess i could always leave early. ...

Been out to take my dog for a walk, i did yesterday too. Only because Jesse wanted me to because he wanted go on his bike and the weather has been nice, so i thought why not. Done me good going for a walk, clears my head from everything that goes around in my brain. The weekends go by so fast, back to the school run in the morning and I'll be walking with Jesse to make sure he doesn't get bullied. On Friday im going the King's Hall with 7 of my friends to watch a Michael Jackson tribute act, looking forward to it. Damian is having Jesse over night so it'll be a good night with the girls.  Im not feeling too bad today, the dog walk has done me good. Just fed my animals their tea, washed and dried Jesse's uniform. Just cooking Jesse some chicken dippers to have with some mayo because hes hungry and thats what hes asked for. Im on day 4 of my diet and its going well. Ive had no chocolate or anything unhealthy. Ive been filling up on chicken and veg. We'll see Thurs...

Im not ok, im just sat thinking about how unwell mentally I am. Didn't get out of bed till 11am and if im honest, I didn't even want to get up then. The window cleaner woke me up at half 7 cleaning my bedroom window and my dog was going mental. Who the fuck cleans windows at half 7 on a Saturday morning? Pissed me right off, but I went back sleep. Took my meds last night and slept loads better, thank god. Jensen took me Asda last night so i dont need go the shops today. Ive got no plans for today, its 12.01pm and I just want the day to be over already.  Ive got an appointment Monday with my psychiatrist, I dont think there's anything more she can do to help me. We just need come to terms with the fact that I'll die young, by suicide because thats just how I see my life and death. I can't see a way out. Im trying my best everyday to get through each day. Im not thriving one bit, its just surviving. It takes all my energy just to get through each day and some people s...

My son was punched and kicked in the head this morning at 8.25am on the school grounds, but apparently because it was before half 8 when school opens, basically its not really the schools problem. Im so disappointed in my sons school! My son is ok. I said to the school, that kick to the head could of been fatal and ive already got one dead child. Im furious with the school. I said what is your policy on bullying because this isn't the first time my son has been hit. I just want him home with me. Hes not been school all week, he didn't want to go this morning, but I made him and he gets hit!! Ive told the school he'll be in school from 9am next week, half an hour after everyone else to avoid this cruel behaviour. They said Jesse is ok. I want him straight home from school and in the house where hes safe. Ive not left the house in days, I need to get out before I crack up. Been so low mentally. Just want to sleep all the time. Last night I couldnt sleep, I just couldnt fall a...

My dad and son have a new resting place now Damian has put me my shelf up. They're both on there together. I'll post a pic so you can see. I was up at 4am with Jesse being sick this morning, so no school again for him. His attendance is so poor. I'll be getting another bloody fine. Jesse's fast asleep now on the settee, hes been asleep a few hours now so I know hes not himself.  Hate being stuck in the house, even if its only nipping the shop it does me good. Im tired. Im tired all the time, doesnt matter how much sleep I have, I am always tired.  Damian has renewed Jay-Dees flower bed fees today, he pays for it every year. Nearly Jay-Dees birthday so ill be down to lay flowers. He should be turning 24 on the 30th of this month. Its just heartbreaking.  Miss my dad and son so much.

Ended up meeting my brother up Hanley yesterday, was only up there about an hour then I came back home. Did me good getting out for an hour or so. Got some toiletries and washing stuff and thats about it. Ive been my mums this morning get my hair done. Really had to force myself go because I hate having my hair done, but im glad my roots are gone now. You should of seen my hair, it was horrendous. Proper let myself go. Ive now got lilac hair because mum used a new toner, and lilac is ok with me. It'll fade the more I wash it, and we all know I barely wash my hair, so the lilac will be here for a while haha. Told my mum I loved her before I left and she never said it back. Now if I killed myself she'd be gutted she never said it back. I always tell people I love them because life is too short.  She asked me how I was last night, and I said I wish id just die in my sleep. She said "dont be silly"... well thats me fixed!! Not! Dont be silly, really pissed me off. She jus...

I feel so low today. Haven't taken Jesse school, I woke up, brushed my teeth and I just couldnt bring myself to face the day. Jesse wouldnt wake up and I just gave up trying to wake him and got back in bed.  I miss my dad and my son so much i could just cry. Grief is heavy today. Damians just told me its £100 to fix Jesse's hdmi port on his PlayStation thats broke. I'll never have any spare money for Christmas, there's always something that needs fixing or buying. Im so fed up of being alive and having to deal with everything. Im tired.  I feel so drained today, im sad. Life is overwhelming me today. Feel like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Why is life so hard? Im struggling today with wanting to be alive, id happily end it all today. I could self harm. I wont because I dont want Jesse seeing blood on my wrists so I promised myself that I wouldnt do it anymore. Just need a release from everything im feeling. Im going lie down on the settee and try and...

Jesse's just gone with Damian for a few hours and im just sat here looking at my son and dads urns on my fire. Feel a bit deflated today. Wish I could of stayed in bed all day. Jasper is sleeping tonight, ill go up bed about 8pm. Today im 1,716 days sober. 4 years and 9 months without a drink. Crazy. Im just drinking an alcohol free Kopparberg. Tastes just like the one with alcohol in. Dont usually drink alcohol free drinks incase it gives me the taste for the real thing, but im only having the one then ill b e back on my fizzy pop. Im going find a movie to watch or a good documentary, but first im going to carry on reading a few pages of my Bible.  I want my faith to grow and i think reading the bible will help. Heres a photo of my dad and sons urns on my fire that im sat looking at.. My dad's is the dark brown one and my sons has the tree of life on the front.

Brought my dad's ashes down today and hes now currently next to Jay-Dees on the fire until Damian puts me my shelf up to put them both on in the living room. Last night I was moving dad's stuff off my draws and putting it all away safely. On top of my draws in my bedroom was like a shrine to him and its just become too much having so much heart ache everywhere. Im not forgetting my dad, im just putting some stuff into draws in my room. It was so hard last night putting dads stuff in draws, but its something I need to do for my own sanity. Its hard now having two lots of ashes sitting on my fire place. Im just hoping my floating shelf will hold them both. I miss my dad and my son so much. Jesse has been a party today at Inflato and whilst he was gone I went Asda with Jensen get stuff to make a chilli for tea, then I watched Romeo & Juliet. One of my favourite films. Ive not felt too bad today, im tired. Didn't get much sleep last so want go bed early tonight. Jasper is g...

Can you die from a broken heart? I feel like im fading away, im losing myself more and more as the days go by. I am so depressed and heartbroken. I hate being alive. One day im going to kill myself, i just know it. Im tired of trying to be strong everyday.  One of my friends said I was the strongest woman she knows. Let me tell you, I sure as hell dont feel strong. Ive lost my identity along the road of grief. I dont recognise myself in the mirror. My eyes are sad, when I look at myself i can see the sadness in my eyes and it breaks my heart. I use to be a bubbly outgoing person and now im walking around like the grim reaper is following me. Just waiting to die. Im not living, im surviving. There's a massive difference.  Jesse took himself to school today, he said I dont need go anymore, but thats where the cafe is that I see my friends, so ill still go. Didn't go this morning, decided to walk Asda when Jesse left at 8.10am and do some shopping. As I was walking to Asda my che...

World suicide prevention day today and it got me thinking, if one of Jay-Dees friends had followed him out of that hotel room early hours of that Sunday morning, maybe my son would still be alive. He was walking around Liverpool for hours on his own early hours of the morning before he killed himself at 5.30am. Im so heartbroken I can't even begin to explain.  Still doesnt seem real that ill never see my son again. My dad's death was inevitable, cancer was starving him to death with it being Esophageal cancer. Its a cruel cancer. You watch your loved one starve to death.  I feel sick today with grief, its making me physically ill. Feel like I could throw up. I wish I could just end my life and be done with, thats honestly how I feel, but I can't leave my other children.  Suicide just passes the pain to your loved ones.  I hope my dad and son know how much I miss them. Its killing me slowly. Im a shell of a person and grief and depression are killing me. I wont live t...

Jesse had Monday and Tuesday off school, but ive taken him in today. Its so hard to find the motivation to take him. Im always tired. It takes all ive got to not kill myself, so school isn't top of my priorities. It should be, but its not. Some days it takes all ive got in me to get out of bed. Am I in denial about my father and sons death? Is that what's wrong with me? Because im trying to work out how to help myself mentally, but i dont know what's wrong with me. I know they're dead and they're not coming back, but i just can't come to terms with it all. Ive never looked until last night at the multistory car park my son fell from. The 17th floor he fell from. Knocked me sick, felt like id been punched in the stomach. Im so sad inside.  I honestly dont know how you come back from all the tragedy ive been through.  Ive been writing this blog for over 5 years, and ive been depressed much longer than that. I started blogging when I had cancer in the hopes my blog...

My dad and son died knowing i loved them, so why can't I just come to terms with their deaths. Its killing me inside. I think about them both all throughout the day. Im not even exaggerating, they are on my mind all the time. Grief eats away at me when im awake, probably why I like being asleep. Its an escape from my own mind. I hate that i have no choice but to live this life ive got, when all I really want to do is die. Im so fucking depressed. All the medication im on and im still depressed.  Anyway, something less depressing, ive made a homemade lasagne for tea which is currently slow cooking ready for later. We're having tender stem broccoli and green beans and garlic bread with it.  Doesn't matter how depressed I might be, my kids will still eat.

Week 2 at school and i didn't take Jesse. Woke up at 7am with dead bad anxiety, so I got back in bed and went back sleep. Feel like shit today. Really low mood. Ive just scrubbed my bathroom because it was disgusting. My back is in bits now from leaning over the bath to clean it. Im taking Jesse tomorrow because im going my mums to get my hair done. I hate hair day when I have to have my roots done. Hate doing anything with my hair. I keep thinking of going a barbers and getting it all cut off. I just hate it.  Feel like shit today, could of slept the day away, but i have to get up and feed everyone including my pets. Do you ever get fed up of doing everything? The cleaning, the washing, cooking, paying the bills, im just fed up of being an adult. You know what id love be able do, a solo holiday. Just a break away on my own for a few days. I never would because of my anxiety, but I wish I could do it. A break from life. I need to book another holiday for next year, something to loo...

Had a child free Jesse night last night, he stayed Damians and they all went swimming this morning. I went my brothers yesterday for a few hours to break my day up. Got all my bedding washed and dried. Absolute bliss getting into fresh bedding last night. Think I was asleep for 10pm. Had a lovely lie in, ordered myself Jensen and Jasper breakfast and had a chilled day watching movies. Back to the school run tomorrow, the weekends go by so fast. Mentally, im ok. I mean, we all know im far from ok, but I just say im ok because its easier than explaining why im not. Jesse got home a few hours ago, hes had a brill time at swimming and then playing football with Damian. He loves his time with Ted as Jesse calls him. He calls him Ted because Damian has a dog called Ted and ever since Jesse could talk hes always called Damian Ted haha we all call him Ted now, its funny. Jesse knows his name is Damian, but we call him Ted. Anyway, we're getting a takeaway for tea and then I want to buy hea...

I walked Asda this morning with a friend ive not seen in a while, he beat cancer which is amazing, and then he mentioned my cancer and how well I was doing considering ive lost my dad and son too. It just made me sad that people just think of the bad shit ive been through.  I use to be happier before all the trauma.  Im broken now, im just sat thinking about how depressed I am. When I think of everything ive been through, I stop and think how the hell am I still standing.. Im on alot of medication which keeps me afloat and I also get strength from my boys. My reasons to keep going. Its crazy to think i had cancer 5 years ago, 6 months after my dad died of cancer and I was forced into early menopause because of the surgery I had. Ever likely my heads fucked! Menopause, depression, grief, im really struggling with everything.  Wishing I was dead everyday, but refusing to kill myself, just hoping I naturally pass away. Its horrible. I hate my own brain. I should be thankful ...

Feel so overwhelmed with grief today, my heart is aching.  I was walking back from the school this morning talking to another mum, and she said shes got 4 girls, I said ive got 4 boys. She said how old is your eldest, I said hes 23. Didn't say he was dead, I just talked like he was still alive and then it hit me that ive not accepted his death. I speak about Jay-Dee like hes just at work and he'll be home tonight. Its just heartbreaking.  Technically he is 23, but he'll forever be 21. He'll be turning 24 the end of this month and next June will be 3 years since he died. Honestly dont know how im still standing. Im so tired, I dont mean sleepy, I mean drained. My soul is tired of fighting grief. Ive been grieving for years and its not getting any better.  It'll be 6 years in November since my dad passed away. I started grieving when my dad told me he had terminal cancer 19 months before he died. I remember when he told me, I felt like id been punched in my stomach. I...

I think about killing myself alot, but the pain i feel from losing my father and son, I could never pass that pain on to my children, my family or my friends. So as much as I think about it, I always think about them and what it would do to them.  As much as I long to see my dad and son again, I know ive got to wait until its my time to go. Im in a constant state of before and after, life and death. I had to start a new life after their deaths, a new life without them and as much as I want to die, I also want to live for my children.  Im living a real life nightmare. Its horrible and cruel.. Waking up this morning and getting Jesse ready for his first day in his last year of primary school and it hit me that if I killed myself, who would help him button up his shirt? Who would walk him to school? I kissed and hugged him before he went in and I said I love you so much, have the best first day. Its things like this that keep me going. So as much as id love to end it all, I have ...

Suicide awareness month and my heart breaks all over again. Its a month to remember those lost to suicide like my son and to those who are suicidal like myself.  I want to be alive for my boys, but I always have suicidal ideation. I welcome death with open arms, just so I can see my dad and son again. Im riddled with anxiety today about going back school tomorrow. Im so nervous about going and I dont know why. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Im so broken its unreal. I feel like i dont fit in anymore. Ive felt like this for years and its not getting better. I dont know how im still standing after losing my father and son. I honestly dont know how ive not killed myself already.  I think about death way more than I should do, its not normal how often I think about killing myself. Im seriously fucked in the head!  Tomorrow ill go the cafe and see my friends who ive not seen over the holidays and ill wear my fake smile, like everything is ok and deep down inside i just want t...