September 9th Wednesday.

Jesse had Monday and Tuesday off school, but ive taken him in today. Its so hard to find the motivation to take him. Im always tired. It takes all ive got to not kill myself, so school isn't top of my priorities. It should be, but its not. Some days it takes all ive got in me to get out of bed.

Am I in denial about my father and sons death? Is that what's wrong with me? Because im trying to work out how to help myself mentally, but i dont know what's wrong with me. I know they're dead and they're not coming back, but i just can't come to terms with it all.

Ive never looked until last night at the multistory car park my son fell from. The 17th floor he fell from. Knocked me sick, felt like id been punched in the stomach. Im so sad inside. 

I honestly dont know how you come back from all the tragedy ive been through. 

Ive been writing this blog for over 5 years, and ive been depressed much longer than that. I started blogging when I had cancer in the hopes my blogs help someone else going through what ive gone through. Its been like a diary for me, getting my emotions out of my head and written down. It was meant to make me feel better, but I dont feel any better.

Im so tired of being alive. I am just so tired.