September 19th Saturday.

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Im not ok, im just sat thinking about how unwell mentally I am. Didn't get out of bed till 11am and if im honest, I didn't even want to get up then. The window cleaner woke me up at half 7 cleaning my bedroom window and my dog was going mental. Who the fuck cleans windows at half 7 on a Saturday morning? Pissed me right off, but I went back sleep. Took my meds last night and slept loads better, thank god. Jensen took me Asda last night so i dont need go the shops today. Ive got no plans for today, its 12.01pm and I just want the day to be over already. 
Ive got an appointment Monday with my psychiatrist, I dont think there's anything more she can do to help me. We just need come to terms with the fact that I'll die young, by suicide because thats just how I see my life and death. I can't see a way out. Im trying my best everyday to get through each day. Im not thriving one bit, its just surviving. It takes all my energy just to get through each day and some people say, thats enough, just keep going, but its so hard staying alive when all you dream about is death. I just want to be reunited with my dad and son. The ache in my heart is killing me. I just want to take an overdose and die in my sleep. Just can't leave my boys just yet, they still need me. I wish they knew how much I was struggling with life. God keeps waking me up everyday and I dont know why..
What is it im meant to be doing, besides being a mum? Why do I keep waking up? 

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