September 25th Friday.

I accept the fact that i will be sad forever, because grief is love with nowhere to go. I will miss my dad and son until I see them again, and thats ok. They were a massive part of my life and I love them so much. So if that means im sad for the rest of my life, then im ok with that. 

Nothing can bring them back and the sadness i feel inside reminds me that they were real and how much I loved them.

I hate that im going through this, but what can I do? Nothing, there's nothing i can do to make the situation any better. So ive got to come to terms with the fact that i will be sad forever. 

Even when i experience some sort of happiness, im still sad. I still think to myself, my dad or Jay-Dee would of loved this, or I wish my dad and son could see this. Its just the way grief controls my brain. Grieving is apart of my life now and nothing I do will ever take away the pain I feel inside. 

Their lives ended because their missions were complete and God needed them back. 

I always think to myself, when will it be my time to die? I dont want to leave my children with no mum, but i dont want to live anymore. Im living in the past and the present. Before and after their deaths. Wanting to be alive, but also wanting to die. Wanting to be here for my children, but also wanting to see my dad and son again.

Life is so damn hard.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time, maybe i could of prevented Jay-Dees death, I beat myself up thinking could I have stopped him from killing himself. My dad's death was inevitable, I just couldnt save him. Believe me, i tried. I asked if I could be a living doner, but he was too poorly for surgery. Why didn't I wake up through the night and ring my son. I was asleep when he fell to his death. Why didn't my mother's instincts kick in and wake me up? I could cry. Im absolutely devastated to lose them both.

I'll never understand why God took them both from me. The pain im going through, am I meant to of learned something from these tragedies? 

I say i love you more, to everyone I love. You never know when you'll live your last day, so always tell people you love them.

I got sober after my dad died, thats something positive. 

I just keep thinking, what am I suppose to do without my dad and son here anymore?

How am I meant to live like this?

I accept what's happened, I just don't know what to do now.