September 4th Friday.

I walked Asda this morning with a friend ive not seen in a while, he beat cancer which is amazing, and then he mentioned my cancer and how well I was doing considering ive lost my dad and son too. It just made me sad that people just think of the bad shit ive been through. 

I use to be happier before all the trauma. 

Im broken now, im just sat thinking about how depressed I am. When I think of everything ive been through, I stop and think how the hell am I still standing..

Im on alot of medication which keeps me afloat and I also get strength from my boys. My reasons to keep going. Its crazy to think i had cancer 5 years ago, 6 months after my dad died of cancer and I was forced into early menopause because of the surgery I had. Ever likely my heads fucked! Menopause, depression, grief, im really struggling with everything. 

Wishing I was dead everyday, but refusing to kill myself, just hoping I naturally pass away. Its horrible. I hate my own brain. I should be thankful i woke up today and dont get me wrong, I do feel thankful because I get to see my boys everyday, but I also wish id just die in my sleep one night. Was going say I dont want to die, but I dont want to live like this, but i do want to die. I want to be out of all this pain im feeling inside. I want to see my dad and son again.

You know what, I went on Facebook when I woke up this morning and there was a notification saying 'mum im still here' and I thought to myself, thats a sign from Jay-Dee telling me hes still with me. I hope so anyway. Gave me some comfort and made me smile. I believe it was a sign from my son.

God I miss him so much, I miss my dad. I could cry. 

Im going to be sad forever..