September 29th Tuesday.

Feel so heartbroken, been to buy my son in heaven a birthday cake. Absolutely breaks my heart. He should be turning 24 tomorrow and hes not here. I just want to scream out loud. Hope hes safe with my dad. I pray they're together in heaven. I wont be doing the school run in the morning, Jesse will take himself. He does every morning and then I go the cafe see my friends. I just know i wont feel like seeing my friend's tomorrow. Its going to be a hard day. Jensen will take me to buy flowers and we'll go the crem after school so Jesse can come too. My baby boys birthday and hes not here to celebrate with us. Honestly, im heartbroken. 

I feel like I can't go on, I dont want to keep living without my father and son. Its painful. My heart feels heavy in my chest. 

Birthdays, death day, Christmas, they all break my heart that my dad and son are no longer here. I dont want to celebrate these days, I just want to lie in bed and sleep the days away.

Jensen wanted me go the dentist with him this morning, my boys still need their mum and it breaks my heart that I dont want to be alive anymore. A part of me died the day my dad died and the rest of me went with Jay-Dee. Ive nothing inside of me. 

I try to smile when im with my boys, I put on a brave face, but inside, im dead.

Death has destroyed me. Ive lost so many people I love and it hurt me, but losing my dad and son was the death of me. I might still be here in person, but im dead inside and i dont know what I can do to bring me back to life.

Jensen was telling me that a couple of lads he went college with have just been sentenced to 25 years in prison. I said to him thank god we've got no drama like that in our lives. My boys are good boys. I said this is why I prefer to stay single, there's no stress in my life. Apart from the grief and depression my life is completely different now im sober. When I was drunk I use to spend my weekends locked up in a police cell for 24 hours.

4 years, 10 months sober and getting sober completely changed my life. No drunken drama, no fighting, no cutting my wrists. Im free from addiction and for that i thank God. 

I might live a boring life now, but ill take it over drinking any day...