September 1st Tuesday.

Suicide awareness month and my heart breaks all over again.

Its a month to remember those lost to suicide like my son and to those who are suicidal like myself. 

I want to be alive for my boys, but I always have suicidal ideation. I welcome death with open arms, just so I can see my dad and son again.

Im riddled with anxiety today about going back school tomorrow. Im so nervous about going and I dont know why.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

Im so broken its unreal. I feel like i dont fit in anymore. Ive felt like this for years and its not getting better.

I dont know how im still standing after losing my father and son. I honestly dont know how ive not killed myself already. 

I think about death way more than I should do, its not normal how often I think about killing myself. Im seriously fucked in the head! 

Tomorrow ill go the cafe and see my friends who ive not seen over the holidays and ill wear my fake smile, like everything is ok and deep down inside i just want to scream at the world.

My dad and son are dead and the world just keeps going, im stuck in grief and its honestly killing me.

I dont know what's worse, the depression or grief, but what i do know is that they're both driving me into the ground slowly. 

Ive showered today and washed my hair, didn't want to, but didn't want to go school tomorrow feeling a mess, so I forced myself. Jesse's had a bath and ive scrubbed his hair ready for his first day back tomorrow. He doesnt want go back and I dont want him go back. Ive loved having 6 weeks off with him. Hes my little best friend. 

I hope Jay-Dee is with my dad in heaven, I pray that they're together. Its the only bit of comfort I get knowing that my dad is looking after my baby for me. It breaks my heart, it really does.

I hope my dad and Jay-Dee are watching over us and they can see how hard im trying to stay alive.

Jesse's first day in year 6 tomorrow, his last year in primary school. One more year of school runs, if I dont get better by time he goes high school im going to become very isolated not having to do the school run. I need to get better. The medication isn't making me happy, its just keeping my head above water. Im honestly not sure how long ive got left on earth. I'll keep fighting for as long as I can for my boys,  but I know one day depression will get the better of me..