September 3rd Thursday.

Feel so overwhelmed with grief today, my heart is aching. 

I was walking back from the school this morning talking to another mum, and she said shes got 4 girls, I said ive got 4 boys. She said how old is your eldest, I said hes 23. Didn't say he was dead, I just talked like he was still alive and then it hit me that ive not accepted his death. I speak about Jay-Dee like hes just at work and he'll be home tonight. Its just heartbreaking. 

Technically he is 23, but he'll forever be 21. He'll be turning 24 the end of this month and next June will be 3 years since he died. Honestly dont know how im still standing.

Im so tired, I dont mean sleepy, I mean drained. My soul is tired of fighting grief. Ive been grieving for years and its not getting any better. 

It'll be 6 years in November since my dad passed away. I started grieving when my dad told me he had terminal cancer 19 months before he died. I remember when he told me, I felt like id been punched in my stomach. It winded me. I was ready for work when he told me. I didn't end up going work that day and my life has been shit ever since.

Functional depression and grief ive got, because I get up, I do the school run, I do house work and I act like im ok, but im not ok, im far from ok. Nobody would know that im dead inside.

The grief I have is because of how much I love my dad and son. 

Keep thinking about cutting my wrists. Not to die, just to relieve some of this grief that im carrying, but I wont do it because I dont want Jesse see my arms all cut and covered in blood, so ive got to stay strong.

I feel like im falling apart. Grieving isn't getting any easier..