September 30th Wednesday.

-
9.05am, I feel like im filled with sadness this morning. My first born son should be turning 24 today. I miss him so much, my heart hurts. I feel so deflated, i could cry. I decided not go school today, I was in two minds as to whether I should go or not and I decided to stay at home. Really not in the mood for small talk today. Just going to spend the day alone thinking of my son.
I got to be his mum for 21 years and for that i am so grateful. God had other plans for him. His time on earth was over and now he is my angel in the stars.
The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars, lyrics from his funeral song. 
I know his soul is still with me along with my dad's. Im heartbroken. They both had so much more life to live. 
Im so tired today, feel like ive not slept, im so drained.
After Jesse finishes school we're going the crem to put flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed. 
Jesse starts Fusion tonight at school so need be back for 5pm. Fusion is a club at school for year 6 pupils. Like a youth club. Hes so excited to go bless his heart.
Honestly, if I didn't have my other kids to keep me going, id be dead.
I long to die, why can't God take me, feel like im being punished keeping me alive. 
Wonder when my death day will be..

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

March 1st Sunday.

-
Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. Yo...
Read more

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 28th Sunday.

-
Packed mine and Jesse's holiday stuff today. We're only taking hand luggage because we're only away for 6 days. Weve got plenty to take and it fits in our hand luggage bags perfectly. That way we dont have to check anything in at the airport, straight to security. Ive just shaved my legs and sliced one of them open fuck sake. Ive put a plaster on and the blood is seeping through. Made a right mess of my leg, just in time for holiday, perfect!. 3 days to go. This time next week ill be sat by the pool catching some rays of sunshine. From booking it last year, its come around so fast. Im excited and nervous.  Was going go see my friends today, but ive cancelled. Decided do my packing instead. Ive not changed any money, im just going pay on my phone for things. Do I need tell the bank im going away? Will my card get frozen? I didn't think about that. Im just over thinking everything. Im nervous. Like I said its been a few years since ive been abroad. Im sure ill be fine wit...
Read more