Cancer, Depression and Me.

"I hope I live, before I die" This isn't living, im in survival mode. Everyday is a battle with my own mind. Wanting to die, but also wanting to live for my living children. Ive been dealt a really shit hand in life. Its been death after death after death. Ive lost so many people within the last 6 years. So many friends gone forever. My father and my son gone forever. What did I do so wrong to deserve all of this? I must of been really bad in a past life.. Apparently you keep coming back until youve learnt your lessons in life, i think this may be my last time on earth because by God have I learnt alot. I say it everyday, but I miss my dad and my son so much. Living without them is killing me slowly. The heartache I feel everyday is horrible. What id give to have just one more day with them both. Life is cruel.. If I hadnt got Jesse to look after and animals to feed, I swear id just rot in bed. I wouldnt bother with life.  The ONLY reason im still here, is because my kids...

Yesterday I accidentally scared my cat and hes not been right since. Hes been howling and hissing at us. Im scared to be in my own home. Ive never been so scared of anything in my life as I am at the moment with my cat. Will he go back to normal? Because im scared. His back goes up and hes howling and hissing. So scary. Ive had Jesse burning up through the night and ive slept with my dog in my arms so my cat doesnt attack her. Im walking around my house with a spray water bottle to spray the cat with if he starts howling at hissing at me. Bad times! Two of the boys friends have knocked on this morning with a bunch of roses for me. How lovely of them, really cheered me up. Jay-Dees birthday really knocked me on my bum, I slept the whole day away. I was so down and depressed. Damian said he spent the day in bed too. It was a hard day to get through.  Feel a bit better today. Still sad, but im ok. I think my brother is coming today for a few hours, was meant be going my sisters with t...