Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jesse has been so excited all morning because he was going to a Halloween party at Damians at 2pm and then Trick or Treat after. Hes been counting down for Halloween for the past 2 weeks haha bless his little innocent heart. Jesse went at 2pm, me and Jensen went Asda and I came out 50 pound lighter, but weve got a chicken dinner slow cooking for tea. Can't wait. Ive been wrapping presents, ill wrap as I buy so its not all left till last minute.  My mum did a Diamond Art of Jay-Dee and it arrived today. I'll post a pic at the end. I made a photo on ChatGPT of all my boys and it also arrived today, so ive framed it. I'll post that pic too at the end. I feel ok today, ive kept myself busy and im doing ok. One more lie in then back to the school run. Might put my Christmas decorations up next week.🎄 And thats my day..

Grief isn't so heavy today, so i got dressed and myself and Jesse have been to visit my brother for a few hours. Broke my day up and I got some fresh air.  Ive completed The Mentalist last night, it was brilliant. Im just starting Bones, its meant be brilliant, so we'll see. Think there's like 17 or more seasons so this is going to take a while. Jesse and I are relaxing on the settee now. Jasper will be across soon and Jensen asked if we could get Burger king for tea. I'll never be skinny. Ive given up trying to lose weight, its impossible whilst im taking Olanzopine. I was thinking of coming off it, to lose some weight, but I really need it to stop me from killing myself. So looks like im staying on it. Life's too short to worry about my weight, I could be dead tomorrow.  Since losing my dad and son I dont really care about anything. People moan about the little things in life and I think to myself, my dad and son are dead and people moan about stupid things. I see...

Its been a long day. Its 8.31pm now. Jasper will he going within the next half an hour and ill he going to bed. Im so tired.  Jasper's given me some money to buy us all a steak tomorrow for me to cook for tea to go with some veg and pepper corn sauce.  Ive felt ok today, not really done much. I made a portrait of my boys using ai and ive got it coming to put in a frame. I'll show you. Short blog today, im tired and I just want go bed. Jay-Dee is the one in the salmon coloured jumper. Jensen has got the facial hair. Jasper is wearing a hoody and Jesse in the grey t shirt.  Love my boys so much.

I live everyday for my children, as much as I long to die, im grateful that God wakes me up in the morning so I can see my kids grow up.  Im so proud of my boys, they're well mannered, caring boys. They give me purpose. They dont realise how much they save me everyday.  Ive been writing this blog for 5 years now, ive been depressed way before my dad died, its just that his death tipped me over the edge.  Some times I ask myself why I survived my cancer, how have I survived losing my father and son. There's a reason im still here fighting everyday. God has a plan for me. I want to do something about men's mental health, I want to help men that are secretly going through what my son went through. Maybe thats my reason to live. I want something good to come from Jay-Dees death. Im not sure what i can do yet, but it'll come to me when the time is right. I dont think im going for that job next week. Its 2 buses there and back for 2 hours work a day. Its in Meir and ive not g...

All I have left are photos around my house which I find myself staring at and drifting away thinking of the memories I had with my dad and son. Everyday i try to remember their voices. My heart aches today, I miss them both so much. I was just looking at a photo of Jay-Dee on my phone, its my screen saver and my heart sank. I miss my son so much its killing me. Everyday I tell my dad and son that I miss them, in the hopes that they can somehow hear me. I have to believe they can for my own sanity. I could cry. Im numb to everything around me, my heart cries out for them both.  Jesse went Damians last night for a sleepover and this morning he messaged me saying 'love you', made me realise why I have to stay. Me killing myself, as much as I want to, would destroy my kids. I dont want to be alive anymore, but I have to for them. Its cruel that I have to live, but i can't destroy my kids lives anymore than they already are after losing their grandad and brother. I wonder if the...

I dont think people really understand the depth of grief until you lose a parent or child, or in my case both. When I say it hurts, I mean, I can feel it in my bones. My heart feels heavy in my chest. Im constantly tired, im tired of fighting everyday to survive. Its me versus me everyday. Add depression into the mix and its exhausting. Wanting to die, whilst wanting to live for my living children. Torn between two worlds, the living and the dead. The heartache I carry with me everyday is draining, some times, debilitating. There are days that I dont leave the house because of anxiety, and I try my best to push through. I have days where I want to slice through my wrists, just to feel something, but I dont because I dont want Jesse to see blood dripping from my arms. I cancel plans all the time because I prefer to suffer alone. My misery doesnt like company. I take enough medication a day that you'd think id be on cloud nine, but the truth is, all that medication does is keep my he...

Was meant to blog yesterday, was sure I had, but I hadnt. My cat has to stay upstairs through the day whilst im downstairs and when I go bed, hes allowed the run of the house whilst im locked in my room to avoid him. Its working, im too scared to be around him. Its been like this for a week now. Its a pain in the arse, but its the only thing I can do to keep my dog and cat away from each other. I feel deflated today. Dont think the weather helps. Its wet and cold outside. Ive taken my recycling out to the bin. The cat isn't allowed out of Jensens room until ive done all his food and litter tray which is at the bottom of the stairs. Hes scared me that much because he attacked me that I can't be around him anymore.  Ive washed all my dishes, wish there was somewhere to put a dish washer in my kitchen, but there's no room. Im going to do a wash and watch some more of The Mentalist.  Been having weird dreams the last few nights. Can't remember last nights dream, but I remem...

I have 2 urns sitting on a shelf in my living room and every time I look at them, my heart breaks over and over again. Im thankful I get to keep my dad and son at home with me because it does bring me some comfort, but it still hurts when I look at them both in wooden boxes. I feel so sad today, I miss them both so much. I spent the last few days with my dad before he died at his bed side, morning and night. I never left his side. I hope he knows I stayed with him. I slept on a chair with my head on his bed with him. God I miss my dad so much. I never got to be with my son before he died and that kills me inside. I feel guilt that he died on his own and I couldnt save him. I miss you Jay-Dee.  My heart aches today and grief is heavy. I need to pull myself together and snap out of how im feeling. Jesse has broke up today for a week, a nice week of lie ins. Tomorrow im going to force myself to shower and wash my hair. Its been about 2 weeks since I washed it and you could cook chips ...

Just sat thinking about my old life, the one I had before my dad passed away. I was out all the time, drinking everyday, crying, fighting, cutting my wrists, and everything changed the day my dad passed away. Now im quiet, reserved, loving, sober, im more present as a parent and my life is peaceful. I say i love you to the people I love everyday. Losing my dad and my son and having cancer really changed the way I live my life. These tragic events that have happened scared me that much that I turned my life around for the better. Im sober, nearly 5 years sober. Yes I have suicidal ideation most days, but im not slicing through my wrists anymore, im not spending 24 hours in police custody. My life might seem boring some times to me, but im doing better than I was when I was a drunk. Those 3 tragic events have changed my life forever.  Mentally ive been doing ok for a few days now, I feel sad, but im doing ok. I miss my dad and son so much, my heart aches for them. Next month will be ...

2 of my friends came to see me today, which was nice. Im not very sociable, but I try my best. They were here a couple of hours and we had a nice catch up. Did me a favour to he honest because I was sat feeling sad about my dad and son, so they snapped me out of it before it took hold of me. The cat has gone for my dog this morning, again! So I give the cat his food and had to feed my dog on the settee because we couldnt get near to where she usually eats. I said to Jesse, get a bit of ham and lure the cat to the stairs. Once he was on the stairs I closed the door and hes been up there ever since. I can't have him around me or the dog anymore.  I dread coming out of my room in the morning because I hear him meowing outside my door. Something has got to be done with him before I cracked up. Hes driving me insane. Im literally scared of being around him. Jensen will have to have him in his room more, because my nervous system can't take it. Won't be long before Jesse is home,...

Ive had enough, i opened my back door and let my cat out. Guess what? He had a sniff around and came back inside the little shit! Hes currently upstairs with Jensen and im locked in the living room with my dog. The dog has just gone for the cat, even shes had enough of his shit. The cat went for my dog this morning and Sicily didn't dare walk past him, so I picked my dog up and the cat clawed my legs. Honestly, hes being vile. Wish we never had him. The dog and the cat can't get along. They were fine together until the cat turned on us all about 4 weeks ago. Im so fed up. Im living in fear. Hes been locked in the kitchen all morning with the back door open, I was expecting him to just fuck off and let some steam off, but noooo, he just came back inside. All his stuff, his litter tray, food and water are in the kitchen because thats where hes going be spending alot of his time with the back door open. Im hoping the more he goes out, the more he'll explore and not just stay b...

Jesse went for a sleepover last night at Damians, its 2.37pm and hes still out with Damian. Loved having my early night last night and chilled out day. My cat, Sol, has gone for my dog again so hes currently locked in the kitchen. I am so fed up of being scared of a cat. They're vicious little bastards arent they? Hes got a follow up appointment tomorrow at 4pm to check where he had surgery, then I think im going to let him outside. I can't live like this anymore. Its been going on now for over 3 weeks. Ive just had myself a hot shower and got back into some clean pjs. Take away for tea I think. Can't wait go bed and lock myself in my room away from the cat. Jesse breaks up Thursday for Halloween half term. Can't wait for a week of lie ins. You know what, im not feeling too bad. Im sat with Jasper, he went out last night and rolled in at 4am this morning.  Im hooked on The Mentalist, its all ive been watching the past few days. The weekends go by so fast, 2 lie ins aren...

So Sol was neutered yesterday, the vets said it can take 6 weeks for testosterone to leave his body. Great! Hes gone for my dog again this morning so hes currently locked in Jensens bedroom with him. My nervous system is shot to shit. Im scared of a bloody cat. They're so vicious. Im more scared that he'll attack my dog again. He can't go out for 48 hours after surgery, hes got a follow up appointment Monday at 4pm and I think after that, im letting him outside. The boys dont want me to, but its not them living in fear of a fucking cat. Ive had enough now. If I didn't have the dog, id lock myself in my bedroom and be done with life.  After we had breakfast, myself and Jesse got dressed and went to get Jesse a haircut. We've been Asda and Jesse asked if id do a chicken dinner for tea, so ive just brought a chicken, veg, potatoes and Yorkshire puddings to make a dinner later with gravy and mint sauce. Can't wait. Love making it and eating it, but then I have to wa...

My cat attacked my poor dog this morning, my dog was shaking after Jensen split them up. We got the cat to the vets and they've rang me to say surgery went well. They said it takes 6 weeks for testosterone to leave his system and if hes still aggressive then we should let him outside.  I can tell you now, im not living in fear for another 6 weeks! We've got collect him at 4pm and im dreading it. I dont want him come back and I know that sounds horrible and I love him to bits, but im petrified of him. I feel sad today, been thinking about my dad and son all day. We knew the better days wouldnt last. Im so heartbroken.  I was heartbroken even on my better days, I was just handling it better. I know I can't bring them back, but id give anything to see them again, I wish everyday that they'd visit me in my dreams. That only happens every now and again.  Im so sad that they're not here anymore.  It hits me every morning when I wake up that ive got to face another day wit...

My cat, Sol, is currently locked in the kitchen. Ive tried to go in and his fangs are out and hes hissing at me. Jensen has tried go near him and hes clawed his arm. This cat is the devil, I swear. Ive been to collect his sedation medication from the vets that hes got have at 7.30am tomorrow, 2 hours before he goes the vets to have his balls cut off and I swear, if neutering him doesnt work, hes about to become an outdoor cat because I can not live like this. Im scared to be in my own home. Damian came school this morning with Max to watch Jesse in his assembly. Jesse was made up. We're getting a takeaway for tea because I can't get in my kitchen. Its ridiculous. All this because of a fucking cat. Jesse's nearly done his 2nd full week at school. Having 3 alarms go off every 15 minutes in the morning is helping to wake me up, and its working. From the school this morning ive walked to the chemist to collect mine and Jasper's antibiotics because the cat has bit us both. P...

Couldn't get the cat (Sol) to go in the cat carrier this morning, he went feral again. My friend came to try and he attacked her. The vets suggested leaving him today and they've booked him in for Friday, so we'll try again. They are prescribing sedation medication for me to collect tomorrow to sedate him before he goes. You really dont understand how scared I am of this cat. I love him to bits when hes being nice, but when he changes, its horrible. My friend said shes had cats all her life and shes never seen a cat be the way my cat is. Its scary. Went to watch Jesse in his assembly this morning. Bloody love that little boy is do. Hes gone Fusion tonight, its a youth club at school, 5-7 every Wednesday. He loves it. Hes becoming so independent, hes not my baby anymore. Time is a thief. The love i have for my 4 boys is immense, breaks my heart that one of my children are dead.  You never think it would happen to you, until it does and your whole world crumbles. Damian is co...

Took my cat the vets, hes being neutered tomorrow morning and apparently that will calm him down. Im praying it works because im scared of my own cat. Glad we haven't had to have him put asleep, because i really love him. Im waiting for the chemist to tell me my antibiotics are ready to collect Jensen will have to drop the cat off tomorrow morning at the vets, hes got be there for 9.15am and ive got go Jesse's assembly. Can't be in two places at once and im choosing Jesse's assembly. Dont want him being the only child there with no parent watching him. Ive had to ring the doctors for Jasper because Sol bit him two days ago and his cut has got green in it. Honestly, this cat is a nightmare.  Mentally im doing ok, think the drama with the cat is keeping my mind busy and stopping me from over thinking. Too scared ill get attacked to think of anything else haha. Felt ok the past few days, I think about my dad and son all throughout the day, but the past couple of days im ha...

My cat went feral a couple of weeks ago, he was hissing and howling at us. It took over a week for him to calm down and last night he did it again, only today hes gone for me. Hes clawed me and sunk his teeth into my arm. I was dripping of blood when I got him off me. Ive made a vets appointment for tomorrow morning at 9am to get him checked out. The vets told me I needed see my Dr about the bites because they will become infected. The doctors have looked at my bite marks and have prescribed me with antibiotics which ive got collect from the pharmacy tomorrow.  The thing im getting at is that I dont know what to do about my cat. Im scared to be near him, he just keeps hissing and howling at me. I think im going have to surrender him or have him put asleep. I love him so much, but I can't keep being scared in my own home. The kids dont want me get rid of him, but I feel like I have no choice. Im scared about going bed tonight incase he attacks me again. He doesnt like my dog, his ba...

One of my friends came yesterday, it wasn't planned, she just asked if I was in and that she was coming across. Did me good if im honest. Not really one to socialise, I force myself so I dont get stuck in this rabbit hole im in. Anyway, the couple of hours she was here did me good, we chatted and laughed. Ive got some good friends around me. Jesse's just gone with Damian so ive just jumped in the shower.  I feel ok today, grief isn't weighing me down, its there, but not as heavy today. I was meant be going meet a couple of friends today, but I really can't be bothered to leave the house. Im showered and in clean pjs. Jasper is sleeping over tonight, ill be in bed early ready for my alarms in the morning. I say alarms because I have to set more than one. Ive been getting up easier by setting numerous alarms from 6.30am-7.15am. Gradually waking myself up, its working and Jesse did a full week last week so ill carry on. I started watching The Mentalist yesterday on Netflix...

I still remember holding my dads hand as he took his last breath. He inhaled and his exhale was so slow and long, and then he was gone. I remember crying out loud shouting 'dad dad'. I was a mess. I stayed with my dad in hospital for the two nights he was in there. I didn't leave his bedside day and night. When everyone left after visiting, it was just me and my dad. I slept leant over his bed whilst my body was on a chair, if you get what I mean. I loved that man so much and I still do. I remember when the policeman told me they'd found my son dead and I just kept saying'it can't be my son'. My hands trembling as i tried to find Damian in my phone. I remember Damian answering the phone and I told him his son was dead. Ive never seen Damian get to my house as fast as he did. I miss my baby boy so much, its killing me. Today I have all of this going around in my head. They call it PTSD. I just want to end my life, im so done with living. Im in so much pain me...

Jesse has finally done a full week at school. Feeling proud of myself for forcing myself to get my arse out of bed every morning for a full week. Can't wait for a lie in tomorrow.  I'd say I feel deflated today, but ive felt like this since my dad passed away. 6 years next month since he died. Ive been suffering for nearly 6 years. So much has happened since he passed away. I had cancer 6 months after he died. Can you imagine that? Dad dies of cancer and 6 months after you have cancer. It broke me. Honestly thought I was going to die of cancer like my dad did.  Dad's partner, Sharon died. My step mum. She was only 52 years old. My dad was 55 years old. I had a breakdown after I went sober, and my son died. How im still standing I will never know. Ive only been the cafe a couple of times this week, Jesse takes himself so I dont see the point in me going everyday. Can't be bothered with the small talk and the fake smiles I have to wear. I am so fucking depressed.  Im so t...

Didn't go cafe this morning, not left the house today. Im lucky really that Jesse bikes to school and back independently, he has his own cash card which I put money on so he can buy himself snacks from the cafe. Im just not feeling life today. Jay-Dees canvas came earlier, which ive put up in my living room. I'll put the pic at the end. Broke my heart, im so heartbroken.  I was just sat thinking of everyone ive lost within the past 6 years and there's so many people gone who I loved. Alot of dads friends have passed away, who were my friends too. Life is just so cruel. I can't keep living like this, i need a break from life. Im sick of waking up in the morning and trying to pretend that im ok. Im sick of taking medication just to get through each day.  I need to find myself. Im so lost. My friends asked if we were meeting up tonight for a catch up, and ive declined. Just not in the mood for small talk and a fake smile. No thanks, I'll stay at home and be miserable b...

Sat in the cafe this morning feeling very deflated, but I smiled when anyone spoke to me, I agreed when things were said, but I wasn't fully there. My body was there, but my mind was elsewhere. Grief is heavy today. I miss my dad and son so much. I could cry. Life was never meant to be this way. I feel so sad inside, i have a couple of "better" days, then boom, grief hits me like a brick. Im tired, im so tired of pretending that im ok. People haven't got a clue what im going through mentally. Im drowning, even on them better days im still drowning. My head is literally above water.  My body feels heavy, like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders. My heart aches inside my body. I just want to sleep my days away, but I have to be a mum. Ive got cook a spag bol for tea and ive got no energy, but ill cook it because im a mum and my kids need feeding. Im just so fed up of living this life. I looked at my medication earlier as I took my morning meds and I have eno...

Got up late this morning, forgot to set my bloody alarm. Rushed around, got Jesse dressed and off to school, which is good for me because usually when I wake up late I just let him have a day off. I waited for him to go in school at half 8, watched him on the tracker (life360) and then I went back bed. Had crazy dreams. I was at a gypsy wedding wearing an all in one tight white outfit and my front tooth was wobbly and hanging out of my mouth. What the hell haha.  I sent my mum a card Friday with that photo of Jay-Dee in the clouds and inside I just wrote "i love you mum". She's received it today and put it in a frame. I knew she'd frame it thats why I sent it to her. Just a small gesture of love.  I always tell my family I love them because if im honest, I dont know how long ive got left on earth. One day depression will take my life, I just know it. So say I love you when you have the chance. I tell my boys all the time I love them, im in a group chat with my boys an...

Today I have showered and washed my hair! Proud of myself. Had to force myself to do it, but its done. Ive done a french plait in my hair and ive got clean pjs on. Need to shower Jesse at some point today ready for school tomorrow.  The girls wanted meet up today, but I can't be bothered. Im just going to have a lazy day. When I say I think about my dad and son everyday, I dont think people understand the magnitude of it. They are literally on my mind all throughout the day, its so hard to deal with. Everything i do, i think to myself, dad would of done this, or Jay-Dee would of liked that. They're on my mind 24/7. Its destroying me. I dont get a break from my own brain. Im sat in my usual seat on the settee and across from me I see my dad and sons urns. I know they're both safe at home with me and that gives me some comfort.  Ive got a new canvas coming, ill post a pic of it at the end of my blog. One of Jay-Dees cousins did the picture, its of Jay-Dee in the clouds. Its b...

"I hope I live, before I die" This isn't living, im in survival mode. Everyday is a battle with my own mind. Wanting to die, but also wanting to live for my living children. Ive been dealt a really shit hand in life. Its been death after death after death. Ive lost so many people within the last 6 years. So many friends gone forever. My father and my son gone forever. What did I do so wrong to deserve all of this? I must of been really bad in a past life.. Apparently you keep coming back until youve learnt your lessons in life, i think this may be my last time on earth because by God have I learnt alot. I say it everyday, but I miss my dad and my son so much. Living without them is killing me slowly. The heartache I feel everyday is horrible. What id give to have just one more day with them both. Life is cruel.. If I hadnt got Jesse to look after and animals to feed, I swear id just rot in bed. I wouldnt bother with life.  The ONLY reason im still here, is because my kids...

Yesterday I accidentally scared my cat and hes not been right since. Hes been howling and hissing at us. Im scared to be in my own home. Ive never been so scared of anything in my life as I am at the moment with my cat. Will he go back to normal? Because im scared. His back goes up and hes howling and hissing. So scary. Ive had Jesse burning up through the night and ive slept with my dog in my arms so my cat doesnt attack her. Im walking around my house with a spray water bottle to spray the cat with if he starts howling at hissing at me. Bad times! Two of the boys friends have knocked on this morning with a bunch of roses for me. How lovely of them, really cheered me up. Jay-Dees birthday really knocked me on my bum, I slept the whole day away. I was so down and depressed. Damian said he spent the day in bed too. It was a hard day to get through.  Feel a bit better today. Still sad, but im ok. I think my brother is coming today for a few hours, was meant be going my sisters with t...