September 23rd Wednesday.

"Some times you feel like you want to disappear, but really, all you want is to be found".

That quote made me think. I just want someone to understand how i feel. My psychiatrist doesnt know what to do with me and the medication is only keeping my head above water.

I know that grief is love and thats why im grieving so badly, because i really loved my dad and my child. I know they're not coming back, so why can't I just come to terms with that? Why am I in so much pain mentally? 

I love hard and thats why their deaths have really affected me. I love them both so much, its hurts.

Its the ages that they died too, 21 and 55. They had so much more life to live. It kills me inside. 

Jay-Dee was a month away from becoming a qualified brick layer. He was at the end of his apprenticeship. My dad was Jesse's bestie, he died when Jesse was 4. Its tragic.

Ive got to live the rest of my life with this grief, and thats ok, because it means they'll always live on through me. Its just love with nowhere to go. Tears that fall from my eyes are because I loved so hard.

My dad was my life, I told him everything, he was my best friend. My son was my first born child, the one who made me a mum. I miss his cheeky smile he use to give me.

God I miss them so much, its killing me.

Mental health will take my life one day, its just a matter of when.

I saw a quote that said, youve already lived the date that you will die on without even realising...