September 21st Monday.

Did the school run, went the cafe, tried to join in with conversations. Went Asda, came home and ive been sat on my own all day. Slowly going out of my mind. Its been a long day. I was sat in the cafe watching all my friends talking to each other and it made me realise how disconnected I am from everything. I feel like I just dont fit in anymore. Im only here because my boys need me, but I long to die. When my friends are all talking I just sit there with my fake smile on my face. I just wanted to tell them how unwell I am mentally, but I just kept it to myself. I was so anxious about doing the school run, but thats because I didn't do it all last week.

I keep thinking about not going out with all my friends Friday night, I know it will do me good, but im not as outgoing as them and im worried they'll think im boring. I dont know, maybe it'll be fun and I'll actually enjoy myself.. but what if i dont. What if I just want to be alone? I guess i could always leave early. I dont know, I'll see how i feel come Friday. I know its my anxiety trying to stop me from going.

I can't stress how much I wish I was dead. Just not enjoying being alive at all. Grief is killing me and depression, depression has been killing me since I was a teenager. Im trying so hard to find happiness, I smile when my boys are with me and I can honestly say, I genuinely smiled around them because I love them so much. My reasons to keep going everyday my boys are.