September 15th Tuesday.

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Ended up meeting my brother up Hanley yesterday, was only up there about an hour then I came back home. Did me good getting out for an hour or so. Got some toiletries and washing stuff and thats about it.
Ive been my mums this morning get my hair done. Really had to force myself go because I hate having my hair done, but im glad my roots are gone now. You should of seen my hair, it was horrendous. Proper let myself go. Ive now got lilac hair because mum used a new toner, and lilac is ok with me. It'll fade the more I wash it, and we all know I barely wash my hair, so the lilac will be here for a while haha.
Told my mum I loved her before I left and she never said it back. Now if I killed myself she'd be gutted she never said it back. I always tell people I love them because life is too short. 
She asked me how I was last night, and I said I wish id just die in my sleep. She said "dont be silly"... well thats me fixed!! Not!
Dont be silly, really pissed me off. She just doesnt understand what depression and grief are doing to me.
She put music on today and said listen to this sad song its lovely, it was about missing someone, luckily she turned it off because she could clearly see my eyes filling with tears. Honestly, I could shake her vigorously! 
Anyway, Damian is here now hanging a door for me. 
Hes in the kitchen and im sat in the living room staring at my dad and sons urns. Kills me knowing they're both in these little wooden boxes. Damian will be putting me a shelf up to put them both on at some point.
Went Asda before I went mums and got everything to make chilli nachos for tea. The kids love a chilli and nachos so together will be perfect. Got all the sauces and cheese to go on top. Can't wait. Im such a foodie haha.
Mum said how's your diet going, I said it isn't. She said we'll you are on alot of medication. So shes aware that something is wrong with me. I said the meds arent working. Im still sad! They just make me eat. Its shit. 
Anyway, going do some washing and thats my day..

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