Cancer, Depression and Me.

So, after I blogged yesterday I ended up going shopping with Jensen. We were walking out of home bargains and a few cars away from me, I saw a boy get out of his car and the first thing I saw was Jay-Dees face. I said to Jensen, ive just seen Jay-Dee and he said he saw him too. For a moment I got to look at my sons face. New Years Eve and im sat watching a documentary and drinking water. 4 years sober tomorrow. 4 years alcohol free, how the fuck have I manage to stay sober after losing my son? What an achievement, 4 years. Im so proud of myself. Im praying for better mental health in 2026. I can't do another year like the last 5 years. Don't know how ive gotten through the last 5 years. Jensen has gone Stone tonight with his mates and im so scared that something bad will happen. Ive told him to stay safe and I love him. Those were the words I sent to Jay-Dee and look how that turned out, because ive lost a child im so scared im going to lose another. Myself and Jesse will be as...

Been to Asda with Jesse to top the food up, and now im sat wondering why my son killed himself. Its hard to believe that he's not here anymore. It kills me inside everyday. He must of been feeling so low and lonely. My heart breaks that I never got to say goodbye to my first born child, my son, Jay-Dee. How am I meant to come back from this? Losing my father and son. How do you come back? Im scared that ill be lost forever. I'll be glad get back to the school run now for some normality. Had to check what day it was before I started my blog. Losing track of the days. Jensen has just woke up, he's got 8 days off work now. Jasper is still fast asleep and Jesse is on his ps5. Im sat doing nothing and this is when my mind goes on overdrive. Its 1pm, ive been awake 3 hours and I already want to go back bed. Depression is horrible. Im sick of it. Sick of feeling the way I feel. Tired of feeling tired. Tired of fighting for my life. Its going to get the better of me, I just know it...

Was just sat thinking of how much i miss my dad's phone call everyday. Its been 5 years and im still grieving, only now im grieving my child loss too. Thought about killing myself today. Can't see me ever getting better mentally. Im fed up. Grief eats away at me daily, and i know its always going to be this way. So how am I meant to live? How do I get "better"? Diets going shit. Just keep eating Christmas chocolate. Be glad when ive eaten it all haha. Feels like a sunday today, saying that I have taken Jesse for a hair cut. Got us both out of the house an hour. You know what I'd love. I'd love to lie in a hot bath, submerge myself under the water and just drown. That's them intrusive thoughts again! Anyway, its been a shit day. Thinking of taking Jesse the park or something tomorrow. Think it will do us both good. I'll let you know what i decide. We've got snow coming Friday it says on my weather app. Anyway, not going to kill myself, dont worry. I...

I need medication to get through the day, and thats ok. I need to remember that its ok to need medication to survive. I dread to think where I'd he without the meds if im honest. The amount i take and im still depressed. Can you imagine how low I'd be without them. Its a shame I have to take medication because I'd love to just feel normal, I dont even know what normal is. I just know its not fair that im plagued with depression. I went see a couple of my friends earlier. Had to force myself to go. Honestly its draining. I dont even want to get out of bed, never mind socialising, but I push myself so my depression doesn't get any worse. Im glad I went, got me out of the house a few hours. The whole time I was out, I just wanted to be at home. Its 5pm and I just want to go and die in bed. I am so fed up of feeling like this. I can't do another year in survival mode. Wonder if ill meet someone in the new year, can't really be bothered if im honest with starting aga...

Sort of lose track of what day it is after Christmas. Not done alot today. Opened up the 2 cheese boards I'd brought, and myself, Jasper and Jensen ate cheese and crackers. Ate some left over turkey. Fed my dog left over turkey. Had a pj day today. Tomorrow I plan on leaving the house at some point. I need to before I lose my mind. Can't wait go bed. Feel so fed up. Christmas is hard when people you love are no longer here. I honestly didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Thank God I have Jesse and my pets, I have no choice but to get up. Some times I think to myself, if I died who would feed my dog and kitten? Who would look after Jesse? I have no choice but to stay alive. Why do I always think about death? There's something seriously wrong with me. I'd love to die, but I'd hate to leave my kids. Anyway, ive started fasting, a couple of days ago. Really want to lose weight this year. I go abroad in July, i need to lose a few stone. Im really going to try ...

Its been a busy day, can't wait get into bed. I was wide awake at 4am for ages, managed to get back asleep for an hour or so and then Jesse woke me up. Jesses little face lit up when he'd seen that Santa has been. Hes 9 now so this was probably his last year in believing in Santa. Bless his heart, he keeps saying Merry Christmas mum and love you. Hes so beautiful. Cooked a beautiful dinner and we've been my sisters for a few hours. Its been a hard day. I was telling my brother how much I miss my dad and son, and how hard today is. Ive kept a smile on my face for Jesse, but inside im so sad. Jensen got me a Stanley beaker with Jay-Dees photo on. So thoughtful of him. I'll post the pic at the end. Can't wait get into bed. Today has worn me out. Everyone was drinking at my sisters and I was on water. Life's shit. Proud of myself for staying sober. Nearly 4 years sober. How have I manged that after losing my child? I have no clue.

Jensen has taken me to Asda to get my last few bits. It was rammed in there. Its crazy. My turkey is in the oven and my veg is all peeled and prepared. I was just sat thinking about my dad and my son and how heartbroken I am. Its Christmas eve, I should be filled with excitement, but im not. Im just devastated. My 5th Christmas without my dad and my 2nd Christmas without Jay-Dee. Its not getting easier. Are you all ready for Christmas? Hope its lovely for you. Im hoping Jesse doesn't wake up mega early, but we'll see. Ive tried my best with buying presents on what little money I had, and ive not done bad. Be glad when its all over now. Looking forward to going my sisters tomorrow evening for a little family get together. It'll be nice. I'd imagine my morning will be hectic. Building Jesse's toys, putting batteries in toys and cooking dinner. My brother will be down at some point to have dinner with us all. Its just not the same anymore now my dad and son are dead. D...

Just sat here thinking, you never think you'd ever lose a parent or a child. I never, ever thought it would happen. To then lose both. Its really had a bad effect on me. Its damaged me. Its made me lose who I am. Ive been stripped of a person and I feel like ive had to start all over again. Learning how to do things all over again. From walking to the shop on my own. Sounds stupid doesn't it, but losing my dad and son, my anxiety is through the roof when I have to do anything alone. Grief hasn't just made my depression 100× worse, its made me fearful of life. Im scared to do things on my own. I try to push myself as much as possible so I dont go down the rabbit hole. I dont want it to get worse. Im trying to get better. Im participating in life. I went my sisters this morning to exchange gifts. Didn't stay long, didn't feel like talking. Got home and forced myself to shower. You know your depression is bad when you have to force yourself to get a shower. Can't r...

Ive been Asda today to get all my veg and potatoes for Christmas dinner. It was so busy. I left Jesse with Jasper so I could go on my own. Wrote a list yesterday and got everything today.  Got the cakes sorted for after dinner. Still not looking forward to it, but ill try my best for the kids. Just seen this on Facebook, "I died a long time ago, im just waiting for my heart to stop beating", thats exactly how I feel. I died the day my father passed away,  and then all over again, when i heard the words my son was dead. Christmas is so hard. You're expected to be "happy" because its Christmas and im finding it hard. I wear a fake smile daily and its tiring. Im just waiting to die, truth be told. Can't wait to be done with this life. I won't live to an old age. I dont want to. I keep saying im ok, but deep down we both know im not. Im am so mentally unwell its horrible living like this. Anyway, just got to keep going. Just asked Jesse what would he do if I...

Jesse's gone Winter Wonderland with Damian, he dropped me at Asda where ive been get some Christmas bits. Got 2 cheese boards and lots of crackers. A few cakes and a big box of After Eights mints. Got the heating on and the fire. I'm in my pjs watching a Christmas movie on Netflix. Just been sat with Jay-Dees urn, telling him how much I miss him. Christmas time is hard when youre grieving. I'm doing ok. Trying not to be sad, but my heart aches. I miss my father and son so much. Christmas is coming around so fast and I just dont feel festive at all. If it was just me I'd spend it lying in bed depressed, but I have kids, so im trying to do all the Christmas stuff for them. I'll be glad when its over. Saw on my Facebook memories that my birthday is in 20 days. I'll be 42. Crazy how fast time goes. Feel like I dissociated this whole year away. Don't remember any if it. Ive got a holiday to look forward to in 2026 so thats good. So anxious about it, but I know il...

My blogging is my coping mechanism. I was thinking about, how do I get through the days, and its this. I get everything out of my system, blogging. Strange isn't it how writing stuff down can help. Anyway, im doing ok today. Kept myself busy. Done a load of washing, so now I have zero washing to do. Then I stripped my bedding, washed it all on a hot wash and just made it all back up. Already I can't wait climb into fresh bedding. Had a headache since I woke up this morning, not sure why, but it is what it is. Just found a movie to watch on Netflix and thats me for the day. Jasper will be here soon and thats it. I need get a shower to wash my fake tan off my face. I plan on going to Asda tomorrow to get some bits in for Christmas. Grieving is a little easier today. I'm forever going to be grieving, I know this and thats why im trying to live. 

That's it, school has finished for Christmas. Thank God. You know what, ive had a good day today, mentally speaking. Feel in a much better mood. Ive thought about my dad and son today, like I do everyday, but im doing ok. My brother came this afternoon for a few hours. He always visits on a Friday after he's finished work. Hes a good brother. I can not wait to go sleep and not have to set an alarm. I am grateful for the peace I have in my life now since going sober. Ive lost alot of friends that I use to go drinking with, but ive made new sober friends and I really am grateful. My life has completely changed since my dad died. I died too that day and ive been trying to find Ann-Louise since then. I'm living a new life. One without my dad and son. That's why im struggling, ive got to learn to live again without my father and son. Its hard. Living is hard work for me. Ive got to find myself, im just not sure how.. im going on a big health kick on January 1st. Ive got to t...

One more get up for the school run and then 2 weeks off for Christmas. Unfortunately im not looking forward to Christmas. Everything changed after my dad died. Its hard to explain, my whole world came crashing down and its like ive had to learn how to live all over again. After years of grieving I felt like I was starting to get better. My son died and I feel like im back where I started. Learning how to live another new life. I died inside the day my father passed away and then again when my son took his own life. Ive said before how lost in life I am. I'm determined to get better in 2026. Ive got to. Anyway, I was saying to Jasper earlier, January 1st im going on a diet and when ive lost some weight, im shaving my hair off again. I shaved my hair off 3 days before my dad died. Just lost my mind and shaved all my hair off. That's what I mean when I say ive come so far to give up now. I'm fighting for my life. For a life I dont even want. I'm fighting because my kids ne...

Its been a shit day. Ive done nothing. The kitten who is 10 weeks old today, has just clawed my arm where my self harm scars are. Not self harmed now since the day of my sons death. A year and half ago. Amazing. But feeling the claw glide down my arm, I sort of felt the relief SH use to give me. How strange. When ive SH in the past for many many years, ive made a right mess of my arm. If I SH now, i wouldnt stop. I think I'd just kill myself. I dont see the point in SH anymore because im already dead inside. It did use to give me a relief, I just can't have Jesse seeing blood running down my arms. Or any of my kids to be honest. Its not nice to see, so I dont do it. I think about doing it some times, but I dont. Not sure what my coping mechanism is. I use to break my razors up and sliced my arms open as a way of coping. Now, I just dont care about anything, so nothing makes me want to SH. My world is a quiet place. Ive got no partner to disrupt my peace, my kids are amazing, li...

Forced myself to get up this morning to do the school run. So glad I did because I forgot id paid for afternoon tea for Jesse and I with Santa at the school. Had a lovely afternoon with Jesse. Really lifted my mood. Just got back from my friends. Had a catch up with the girls and we had a laugh. Plenty of cups of tea. How boring, I know, but ive got to stay sober. My life depends on it. My kids need me, dont they? I dont feel too bad today, im always sad, but ive got to learn to live with it. So thats what im doing. Did I want go see my friends? Absolutely not. Do I feel better for going? Yes. So glad I force myself to do things. Always feel better when I do. Its just some days are really hard. To get through a day without wanting to die, is amazing. I have to cherish the better days because unfortunately, they dont last. Anyway, I feel better for getting out of the house. Still depressed, but we carry on. You watch tomorrow be a shitty day!

I know people die everyday, but I just can't seem to come to terms with the death of my father and son. I think about them all the time. I'm forever grieving. I drift in and out of life. My mind wonders often, thinking whys and what ifs. Losing Jay-Dee resurfaced the death of my father. Everything felt like my dad had died all over again. Didn't take Jesse school today, I know they're going to fine me. I woke up at 7am, looked out the window, it was dark and rainy. I climbed back into bed and went back sleep. Started watching Stranger Things from season 1. I find it hard to not dissociate, but im trying to watch it. Jensen has gone Cheshire Oaks today with a few of his friends, Christmas shopping. I love that for him. Jasper will be here from college soon. Definitely taking Jesse school the rest of the week. Going try my best. Its 4.20pm and its already dark. Makes me want to get into bed early. Honestly, I'd sleep my days away if I could. Hate participating in life...

Didn't go church, couldnt be bothered to get out of bed. Ive had a shit day. Ive done less than nothing. Just seen a post on Facebook saying, im not living, im surviving and i thought to myself, i was meant to see that. I'm not living, i am only surviving. How can I live a life I just dont want? How do you carry on living, when youre dead inside? Was meant go my friends today for a catch up, but i cancelled. Its like i isolate myself when i feel like shit. I cut myself off from the world. My misery doesn't like company. I'll go one night in the week to see them, they know im depressed. Sick of being depressed, doesnt matter what I do, im still suffering with depression. Wishing I was dead. I'm giving 2026 a chance, but i refuse to live another year like ive been living. Next year is either life or death. No more survival mode, I want to be living. I'm so tired, its only half past 5 and I already want to get into bed. Anyway, thats it for today. One more week of ...

Was thinking about my dad earlier, and how he use to ring me every single day to see if I was ok. I saw him literally everyday, to never seeing him again. I was thinking of how my son never got to have his first tattoo, he was telling me about. He'll never have children. Ive been thinking alot today. The pain never goes away. They both had so much more life to live. 55 and 21 are no age to die. Ive spent the day over thinking. Ive showered today and washed my hair.. go me! I have to force myself to shower, how bad is that. That's depression. I literally dont care about myself and it makes me so sad. When did this happen to me? Honestly hand on heart, losing my dad destroyed me, but to then lose a child.. I dont even know who I am. Losing my son has killed me off inside. Losing a parent is hard, it kills me inside everyday, but to then lose a child, I ask myself how am I still here? How am I still breathing? Why has everyone moved on in life and I seem to be stuck reliving the d...

My friends came last night and the whole time they were at mine I felt like I was forcing myself to smile and participate in the conversations. They had so much to talk about and I had nothing. They had no idea I am severely depressed, im that good at faking a smile. I'm getting better at hiding it. They were talking about their love life and I was sat thinking, why aren't I bothered about being in a relationship? Ive become too comfortable with being on my own with my kids. I'm sure when the time is right someone will walk into my life. At the moment I just dont want anyone. I'm mentally unwell so who's going want me anyway? 2026 is going to be a better year, im really going try my best to get better mentally. I can't do another year like ive been living. I pray for better mental health. I dont want to kill myself, but i dont want to live like this. Its not living, its surviving. You know what? I put mascara on this morning before school. Now you might be think...

Depression is exhausting. Fighting for a life you really dont want is exhausting. My soul is tired. Everyday i make it through, im thankful. I'm thankful I wake up everyday, but try telling my brain that! I have suicidal thoughts everyday. Depression is horrible. Ive got my friends coming tonight, can I be bothered? Absolutely not. I'd prefer sit alone with my dark thoughts, but am I going to be sociable? Yes, im going to try my best. I know it will do me good. I'd love be able just get in bed and lie there forever. Shut myself off from the world and just wait to die. What a sad existence I am. Absolutely no purpose to my life. Yes im a mum, but who am I??? This is what I need to find, myself. I'm so lost in this life. Death has destroyed me. Everything thats happened since 2020 has literally destroyed me and my life as I knew it. Ive changed, I dont drink anymore, I mean wtf happened? How did life end up like this? My mind is blown when I think about everything ive bee...

It's dad's 61st birthday today in heaven, its also the date his funeral was on. He wanted a get together for his birthday, but he never made it, so I decided to have his funeral on his birthday. That way the family would be together for his birthday. Dad will forever be 55 years old. Forever young like my son. God life is so cruel. Feel like shit today, understandably given what day it is. I miss my father so much. I pray that he has my son with him. I just know in my heart that my dad and son are together waiting for me to catch up. Everyday I survive is a day closer to seeing my father and son again. I can't wait to die. Ive been on a Christmas craft morning today, took my mind off things. Made Jensen a handmade Christmas card to put his Christmas money in. Hope he likes it. That's what we've been making the past few weeks, Christmas cards that will be sold next week at the Christmas fayre at school. Like I said, it took my mind off things which was good. My heart...

Got my dad and my son on my mind today. Christmas time is hard. Everyday is hard, but Christmas time is really hard. How did life end up like this? I ask myself everyday, why did life have to be this way? I feel numb to Christmas, ive brought gifts, wrapped them, and yet I still feel nothing. I wish I could feel festive for my other children, but its so hard when youre grieving. I'm grieving the life I had and im grieving the life my dad and son won't have. Feel a bit shitty today. We all knew my better days wouldnt last. I am grateful for the better days, even if its only one a week. That one day gives me hope for the future. I'm always going to be grieving aren't I? It's something im going have to try to live with. I am trying my best. I feel empty today, hollow inside. I'm living with a broken heart. Praying for happiness. I'm really going to try my best in 2026 to have a better year. Ive been grieving since 2020, I can't do another year in survival m...

So i had the bright idea of wearing baggy trousers this morning, knowing full well it was raining. Didn't think did i, and by time I'd got school the bottom of my trousers was soaked and so were my Vans pumps I was wearing. The reason im telling you this is because I had to meet my sister in Hanley and didn't have time to go home and change. So I went Hanley and my feet were soaked. Had to wash and dry them when I got home. Soaked because I wore baggy trousers. Went a couple of shops got Jesse a new outfit for Christmas day and some trainers. I just need buy Damian and Louise a gift then im done. Can't afford alot this year, but ive tried my best. Be glad when its over and done with. Not the same when you have a child in heaven, but ill fight through. Been to see my friend Rachael this evening for a few hours. We were laughing alot! I actually laughed a genuine laugh. Is this what healing looks like. Am I finally getting better? Or is it just a better day? Either way, i...

Erm, ive not felt too bad today. Not done alot, but Jensen took me Starbucks for a pumpkin spiced frape. How have I done 41 years without one? Was so nice. How blessed am I that my children as they grow older, still want to do things with their mum. Thank you Jesus for the bond I have with my children. Today im feeling very blessed. Its days like today that keep me going. Something so small, like going for a coffee with my 22 year old son, has had a massive impact on me. Sort of slaps you in the face, that my children are the reason im alive and ive got to live. For them. My boys need their mum and I need them. On the way home, we were talking about covid jabs because we'd just seen a sign for boosters, anyway, we both said how we'd only had ours so we could go abroad and then I said, Jay-Dee never had any and I said and look where he is. We both laughed and Jensen said he was about to say the same thing haha. I said its a good job we can make jokes and he said we'll both b...

Myself and Jensen took it in turns through the night to be sick. Thank you Jesse for your bug. Ive not been sick since early hours so im hoping its a 24 hour bug. Jesse took himself school this morning as I was too weak. Didn't dare let him have another day off after welfare ringing me. Sat waiting for Jesse to arrive home from school and it was getting late. I said to Jasper, he's normally home by now. I frantically rang the school to make sure he'd arrived this morning. Hed arrived, they told me to ring back to let them know if i find him. At this point I was praying to God that my son was ok. Jasper said he'd go look for him, so off he went on his bike. He rang me from 2 streets away and said he couldnt see him. I was thinking all sorts. He rang me back from the school to say he'd found him playing football at school with his friends. Oh god the relief i felt. I thanked God out loud. The fear that went through my mind thinking that Jesse was missing and he was ha...

December already, where has this year gone. How have I made it this far? Ive blinked and its December. Crazy! Jesse's back in school today. Routine is good. Been to craft morning with my friends. Didn't feel like making anything today so I just sat there trying to engage in conversations. I was telling them how I dont want to put a tree up and how im just not feeling Christmas. I said its not the same after losing a child. Damian has told Jesse he's buying him a Christmas tree to put in the living room. Looks like im putting a tree up. Damian said they're not little for long, put a tree up. Hes right, I need to snap myself out of how im feeling. I'm meeting my sister Wednesday to go Christmas shopping and for a festive hot chocolate, im looking forward to that. Might get me in the Christmas spirit. Doubt it, but we can hope. I'm just depressed. The medication is keeping me afloat. Fed up of life, can't see a light at the end of a tunnel. Can't see a futu...