December 17th Wednesday.

Its been a shit day. Ive done nothing. The kitten who is 10 weeks old today, has just clawed my arm where my self harm scars are. Not self harmed now since the day of my sons death. A year and half ago. Amazing. But feeling the claw glide down my arm, I sort of felt the relief SH use to give me. How strange. When ive SH in the past for many many years, ive made a right mess of my arm. If I SH now, i wouldnt stop. I think I'd just kill myself. I dont see the point in SH anymore because im already dead inside. It did use to give me a relief, I just can't have Jesse seeing blood running down my arms. Or any of my kids to be honest. Its not nice to see, so I dont do it. I think about doing it some times, but I dont. Not sure what my coping mechanism is. I use to break my razors up and sliced my arms open as a way of coping. Now, I just dont care about anything, so nothing makes me want to SH. My world is a quiet place. Ive got no partner to disrupt my peace, my kids are amazing, life might be quiet but its peaceful. Of which I should be grateful, and I am. I do miss my old life some times, the life I had before my dad died. The death of my father broke me. I died that day too. I was trying to rebuild myself after my cancer surgery, and then my son dies and it sets me back 5 years. God life is hard. Feel like im battling alot of things. My sobriety, the urge to not kill myself, its hard work ontop of grief and depression. When I next see my psychiatrist im going to tell her how lost I am in life, ill tell her how I dont fit in. What can she do besides give me medication. Nothing can cure what I have. I am a grieving daughter and a grieving Mother. I am broken. How the fuck do you come back from losing a child? Was meant go have my hair done today at my mums. I cancelled and spent the day sat on my own. My misery doesnt like company. I isolate myself alot and I know its not good, but its just my way of coping I guess. I just shut myself off. Its Christmas next week and I just can't be bothered. Meant be going my sisters Christmas day night, already can't be bothered. My mums invited me hers boxing day night, also can't be bothered. Yes ill go but it will only be for an hour or so. That'll do me. I just want it all over and done with. Its not the same when your son lives in heaven...