December 27th I think its Saturday.

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Sort of lose track of what day it is after Christmas. Not done alot today. Opened up the 2 cheese boards I'd brought, and myself, Jasper and Jensen ate cheese and crackers. Ate some left over turkey. Fed my dog left over turkey. Had a pj day today. Tomorrow I plan on leaving the house at some point. I need to before I lose my mind. Can't wait go bed. Feel so fed up. Christmas is hard when people you love are no longer here. I honestly didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Thank God I have Jesse and my pets, I have no choice but to get up. Some times I think to myself, if I died who would feed my dog and kitten? Who would look after Jesse? I have no choice but to stay alive. Why do I always think about death? There's something seriously wrong with me. I'd love to die, but I'd hate to leave my kids. Anyway, ive started fasting, a couple of days ago. Really want to lose weight this year. I go abroad in July, i need to lose a few stone. Im really going to try my best. Swapped my cans of pop for the last 3 days for water only because Jensen brought me a Stanley beaker haha. Done me the world of good. Im praying i can lose some weight, so we'll see. I'll keep you updated. Im so tired all the time. Wish I could just sleep my life away. I hate participating in life. Got no plans for NYE, ill probably be asleep before midnight and im ok with that. I'll take a peaceful NYE over anything. No drinking and fighting or killing myself. Staying sober and having 4 years of sobriety on January 1st. What an achievement. After losing my child, I found the strength to remain sober, like my life depended on it, because it did. Grateful for everyday I stay sober. Let me tell you its not easy, especially Christmas time. I've been craving Bailey's. Anyway, main thing is im still sober. Thank you Jesus. 

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