December 30th Tuesday.

Been to Asda with Jesse to top the food up, and now im sat wondering why my son killed himself. Its hard to believe that he's not here anymore. It kills me inside everyday. He must of been feeling so low and lonely. My heart breaks that I never got to say goodbye to my first born child, my son, Jay-Dee. How am I meant to come back from this? Losing my father and son. How do you come back? Im scared that ill be lost forever. I'll be glad get back to the school run now for some normality. Had to check what day it was before I started my blog. Losing track of the days. Jensen has just woke up, he's got 8 days off work now. Jasper is still fast asleep and Jesse is on his ps5. Im sat doing nothing and this is when my mind goes on overdrive. Its 1pm, ive been awake 3 hours and I already want to go back bed. Depression is horrible. Im sick of it. Sick of feeling the way I feel. Tired of feeling tired. Tired of fighting for my life. Its going to get the better of me, I just know it. Depression will kill me one day. Or should I say, I will kill me one day. Im going to try my best not too, but I can't promise anything.